I hug you...
But you never hug me back
I kiss you...
You never kiss me back
I gave my life to you...
But you won't give me yours
I asked you to be mine...
And you said nothing
I love you...
Why don't you love me back?
I said you'd always be mine...
But now you're gone.
Author notes
I know it doesn'y really make sense I just felt like writing this
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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owww some best friend alert someone is in love lol.
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I understand what you are trying to say. I like how you wrote, "I said you'd always be mine". Its better than the cliche of using "you".
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owwe i get what you are trying to say the same thing to me.
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twisted
I like this poem, especially the slight twists such as "I said you'd always be mine" instead of the cliche "YOU said....." could it use a bit more angst? maybe but it is not necessary, I like how it is disceptively simple on first read and then on re-reading raised some doubt.
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ehh
i agree with i.am.the.sun.
it is to predictable.
the poem sounds profoundly imature
it is a quite good poem but it needs more..
rhym? it doesnt have a rhythm. poetry has to have this beat to it as you read. and i would suggest maybe not copying words over again at the end of a sentence like you did in line 1 and 2. the subject is very normal. i guve you full permission to use the example i made up to fix this poem. try this:
i hug you...but you never reach out for my grasp
i kiss you but the feeling of your lips makes it feel like you dont realize the rhythm of our heartbeats
i hope i gave you some sort of idea -
didnt like it much, it was pretty predictable, and theres no... 'ouch! thats unfair...' moment in it. im guessing its supposed to be the ending, but just because you say something's yours doesnt mean it is. you can love someone and show your love to them, but if they dont show you they love you back, dont be suprised when you find out they dont.
im left wondering why after the first two steps this person kept going... -
I agree with HorrorFiend about the fact that it is really relatable for everyone. It's a problem we've all had or will encounter. It's a well written piece of honesty
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Filled with the spirit of teenage problems.
Everyone can relate to this at least in a sense, and that, is beautiful. -
I think with more raw emotion this piece could be great. I still enjoyed.
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Interesting piece, however, the basis of it is very cliche. Because of this, I feel that when a piece is on this subject matter is written you need to sort of break the box and write something new. This style, the contradictions and sacrifice, has been done several times. I would suggest to take the theme and the emotion and give the concrete of what is happening. Make it personal rather than universal while you write it, and because of the theme in relationship, it will become universal and likely hold more emotion.
Give the solid concrete images that made you feel like this and it will greatly improve the emotions and strength behind the piece.
And it makes a lot of since. The idea of this is as universal as one can get when it comes to relationships (romantic or friendship or anything really). -
Well to be honest it takes two to be in love... you can be in love with another person but if they aren't in love with you... then you are obsessed. Especially if that person hasn't given you a clue as to them being in love with them.
Good write. -
nice
I like it, but it needs more intensity in the words. I like the idea behind it though. Nicely done
Savina
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..i like it but i want more..of it.. i think you can make it any longer for its thought was really a great one..
thanks..
take care.. -
I like it! It is good! In your author's notes you said you were going to revise this. I think you should try and make it rhyme!
Just a suggestion though!
Keep Writing!
-Crystal
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Like
the personal feel of it.
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Sad... But I loved it.
It's really sad when someone your adore doesn't adore you back...
Great job!
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I really actually like this! I am sorry if you feel this way. I know how it feels to be on this side of a relationship as well as the other side and I don't think either is easy. Check out mine "that is not me" for a different perspective.
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There are times when love can play these tricks on you, there are times when its best to just let it go.
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This is so sad
But amazing poem great job -
beautiful write
If this is a true poem I know how you feel it reaaly sucks when your in a one sided relationship . it feels like your doing all the all the work but one day you will find the person who treats you right. some of my older poems are about this subject check it out you might find one you like
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