Remember how we once wasted our lives;
invincible wings in the blood-red sun.
We glowed, like steel at the edges of knives,
cut through the wind until it came undone.
We damn-near died, though the mem'ry survives,
and your heart still pounds in my head, a gun
screaming at me, 'pull the trigger'; it sighs,
and your lips pressed silver between my eyes
The reaper's scythe falls swiftly; I shiver
as he gently grips the fingers of life.
In throes of death, my pallid hands quiver,
their final escape from earthly strife.
My tongue, from the sands of time, deliver,
and sing me to sleep, your voice like a knife.
It is with despair that I say goodbye
to my sweet, swaying blades; my lullaby.
Author notes
fail.
prompt: islands of adventure
form: double ottava rima
death is the next great adventure... hence, the prompt's role in this whole mess.
credit to nightwish for part of line viii
& no, i wasn't listening to meatloaf.
shred it.
In a list
- ii. silver. • next in list
- x. x-factor season iii • next in list
- x. form-poetry: who, me? • next in list
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Round One (Top 16) by sideways hourglass.
625 points, ended September 3, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - silver IV by Salty Hibiscus.
550 points, ended October 11, 73 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Fluff is great, but it really doesn't help; honesty is the best policy.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Perfection!
I enjoyed this magnificently written piece very much.
My favorite line, "and your lips pressed silver between my eyes"
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The title grabbed my attention. I was hoping for a few more metaphors,also hoping it was longer. It seem to end too quickly, I thought it would have had more suspence. Still it was well told. Thanks for sharing. Rose
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no fail... this was wonderful!!! The title drew me to it! I liked it and enjoyed this form (I've had my hand at it as well).
My fav. line...
and sing me to sleep, your voice like a knife.
wonderful imagery!
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I could tell immediately from the words you used and how you phrased them that you were a fan of metal. I didn't clue into Nightwish, as you had depicted in your author notes. I used to be a big metalhead so I guess that helped me identify that. I liked the words you used and you did well with the form and the rhyming scheme, not dictated by the rhyme which a lot of people have trouble with.
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For the next round will you please use a slighly large font. Great flow and rhythm although I wasn't crazy about the repeating of life and knife in both stanzas...204
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics: 13/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title:10/10
X Factor Bonus: 10/10
Total: 204
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200 - X Factor
I thought this was awesome, but the only drawback was the cliche word choices (knives, survives. And also you repeated knife.) Other than that though, you wrote this very well! I liked the scythe/grip assonance in lines 9 and 10 too - it gave that part a powerful kick and pulled me into the poem...like a current of the river rapids.
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 8/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
X Factor Bonus: 10/10
Total: 200 - X Factor
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wow.
this is amazing.
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a history of violence: summer, 1922
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 14/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
X Factor Bonus: 10/10
Total: 206- X Factor
laura.
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"their final escape from earthly strife." 9 syllables... and that's all I found to point out...
a history of violence: summer, 1922
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 14/15 (only place I found that might cover syllables)
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 15/15
Mechanics: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
X Factor Bonus: 10/10
Total: 208- X Factor
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Hi! Powerful stuff. Why 1922? A few read-throughs helped me to understand better. I don't quite get the imagery in the last line of first stanza. I actually like the second stanza better because it gives me more of a gut reaction, and a better sense of immediacy. I shall keep reading your stuff because it is thoughtful and smart work!
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i fucking LOVE this!!!
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that's great... because i don't.
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