Thought of the Day

No one ever wants to be labelled as "anti-social".  I certainly didn't want that in elementary or high school.  I wanted to fit in and do what all the cool kids did.  But sometimes, something crushes you so severely that the anti-social label suddenly looks like a very appealing excuse for the pathetic person you've become.

Alright, maybe that's a little harsh.  What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the label doesn't fit the person; instead, the person fits the label.  I know I've become one of those examples.  I used to depend on my parents' decisions for everything.  If I wanted to go out, I'd have to ask (and be done my homework).  The majority of the time, I'd be able to go.  But sometimes, if I asked too many times in a week, I'd get a million questions and then a resounding "no".  So eventually, I got tired of saying "I'm not allowed to".  Not to mention it's a pretty lame excuse for a 20 year old.

My solution then?  Instead of arguing with my parents, I decided to just not go out.  To make up my own excuses so I wouldn't have to get the 20 who-what-when-where-why-how-what time will you be home-questions, or give the "not allowed" excuse.  Best of both worlds, right?  Except for the whole not-going-anywhere part.  After doing that for a good 3-4 years, when it's extremely likely that my parents would have said yes to a social life (albeit not without the 20 questions), I managed to scare myself.  I suddenly didn't ever want to ask them for permission for anything because of that fear that they'd treat me like the 12 year old I once was.  I started to like (ok maybe not like, but I was comfortable with) staying at home and watching a movie or going online on my own.

And thus began the anti-social label.  I don't go out, except with my close friends - and even that happens maybe once a week.  I use the excuse that I'm busy with school, work, and extra-curriculars.  And I've used the excuse so often that now I purposely MAKE myself busy; I take on extra work and extra extra-curriculars so I can always be busy and never have time to socialize.

Now having the label is one thing; having people know you created it on purpose is another.  It's like a little white lie you tell; it starts off small, but then each time a question is asked, you're forced to snowball the lie into something you never thought could exist.  And that's when you get caught.  Your being-too-busy results in having to make less time for phone calls, visits, and sometimes even online conversations, sacrificing those for reading a book or hanging out with your family.

So that's where I am now.  I finally got out with my closest friends last night, and I noticed something I don't think I've ever noticed before.  Sitting at a candlelit table, sharing dessert after having not seen them for two weeks...and what am I doing?  I'm observing.  They're carrying on a conversation while I'm burnt out from working 12 days in a row and having nothing to talk about but work.  I fear I've forgotten how to socialize.  The lack of phone calls and updating each other with every detail of our lives now leaves me out of conversations.  I'm turing into one of those awkward friends that doesn't really add much to the friendship - if you can still call it a friendship.  I sit, I observe, I eat, I laugh when appropriate. 

I think I may just be company now.  Like a teddy bear accompanies you when you sleep.  Just there, but if he falls out of bed while you're sleeping, you won't even notice until you wake up and find him on the floor.