Twas the Day after Thanksgiving

Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all over the land
Chaos ensued with Black Friday at hand.
People got out of their houses in mobs
To go to the stores and neglect their own jobs.

They drove on the roads, the sidewalks and streets
Picking up hitchhikers and children with treats.
They were all in a hustle to get where they go
That they had no concern for anyone they know.

And once at the stores: Wal Mart and Target
Sears, Meijer, Best Buy and at the market,
They trampled over everyone whether small or fat
To get that last perfect toy for their whinny-ass brat.

Complete disregard for safety of others
Led to a fist fight between angry mothers.
They twisted and tugged on a Mrs. Claus bra
’Til customer service declared it a draw.

I entered a store for a gallon of milk,
Not looking for diamonds, zirconium or silk,
Not wanting clothing, hi-tech gaming or toys
Just for some two percent white dairy cow joys.

The aisles were crowded with impatient pricks,
O’erflowing with dumb asses, douches, and dicks.
They blocked my path to great dairy cow goodness
With all of their inconsiderate rudeness.

I dropped a ho and a couple of bitches
Into their carts full of Christmassy riches,
Knocked a dude out right in front of his kids
And told them they should’ve been killed by SIDS.

Their mommy was pissed and wished to kick ass.
Took her outside, rubbed her face in the grass.
I went back inside, a blaze in my eye
Stormed through the store, and made little kids cry.

I just wanted my milk, to pay and get out
Had my eyes on the prize and traveled en route.
I arrived at the cooler in all its glory
Repented my adventure had been so gory.

I flung open the door and a cold wind hit me
I shuddered and shivered, was chilled down to my knee.
I reached in the cooler and pulled out a carton
Fantasized ’bout drinking it and got a hard on.

I rushed to the checkout, passed the congestion
Said to the clerk that I had a suggestion:
Close the store on this day of dangerous ruckus
Or else we’d be doomed, ah, to hell with it, fuck us.

He smiled and winked. Guess he’d been there before:
Angry as hell, bitched out, impatient and sore.
I leaned in close and asked him, said, “Slappy,
How in this mess do you stay so happy?”

Ancient and knowing, the old man smiled more
Kept me still waiting in this goddamn store.
He said, “Son, relax and live a little,”
Reached in a sack and offered me skittles.

I said no thanks, and got out with a quip
I left, but not before leaving a tip:
This holiday season has gone to hell.
Even without it we’d be just as well.

I got home and opened my carton of milk
It would be cold and as smooth as a fine silk.
Upon taking a drink my body recoiled
For the milk that I bought had indeed spoiled.

So, done with this season and my milk bad
I wanted to end it: I’d had all I’d have.
I opened the window of my apartment
And looked down below all the way to cement.

I crawled out on the ledge in the cool air
I lost my balance but I didn’t care.
As I leapt from the tenth story, out loud I cried:
Merry Christmas to all from the guy who just died.