I hear the little voice that's shouting in my head
The one that tells me constantly that I should be dead
The ugly and the vile things just never seem to stop
They just keep on comeing and are rising to the top
I don't know what to do or how to make them stop
For you see these are not the things that a little girl should hear
The echos in her mind of resounding fear
Quaking in the corner trying to stay out of sight
Don't make a sound try be quiet with all your might
It seems like it's forever before he passes by
Finally she takes a breath and slowly lets out a sigh
Author notes
I'm exorcising my demons so to speak. I have insomnia caused by my childhood abuse. My poems such as this one help me to sleep. This one is still a work in progress so please when commenting be courteous and critical. I'm still a little ify about the title so if you have any suggestions voice them.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Oh I cetainly felt the fear and then relief you felt as he passed by. Titles aren't by best thing either, so I'm not much help there. It sounds good to me because these are thoughts from your past and they are often referred to as echoes.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad that your writing helps you to sleep.
Gaylene
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Always have to stand back and admire anyone who even attempts to use rhyme as it's something I can't even envisage attempting myself. Great theme maturely explored, my only minor (and it is minor) criticism or perhaps it's more like advice, could be that you may want to think about the line lengths and meter. But what do I know, I can't rhyme at all!
Thanks for sharing, and good luck with all your writing.
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Its sounds wonderful. Both Title and the poem. Such a lovely dark and desolate image, that just strikes the heart so heavy. Its deeply beautiful. Great write.
Sincerely,
D.Wolf
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Exhale.... may be a good title...
the title i think is good...
but being you asked for a possible alternative...
Vile Voices.......?
At any rate....
I seriously think you may be at a point were you realize it was not your fault...
i may be wrong lass...
but im here to banish that ridiculous notion..
a striking hard hitting piece...
that must have been hard to write little gypsy....
im so proud of you....
Your a survivor
there are so many days in the sun for ya lass...
dont look back....
Bless you always...
Liam
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very nice
Write about something more common than it should be! The voices are there to help you, not to hurt. Your mind is trying to tell you that it's not your fault, but you don't want to listen. That's why it plays over and over in your head. I'm sorry that you had to experience this. I myself know first hand the pain! I wrote something called " Torn and Tattered" ( http://allpoetry.com/poem/1673061 )for another friend that had the same thing happen. She was tortured by her demons also. I wish you the best and a promise that I will read any message you send and give an answer. God bless you! The Shaker
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This is, unfortunately, painfully relateable for me, and many others, I'm sure. I get this completely. The imagery in this is fantastic, as is the emotion buried in the eloquent wording. My favorite lines probably are:
For you see these are not the things that a little girl should hear
The echos in her mind of resounding fear
Quaking in the corner trying to stay out of sight
Don't make a sound try be quiet with all your might
Amazingly written. Stick in there - things will always get better. And never stop penning. You're very talented. ♥
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i like the title
i know you asked for help but in my opinion this is already a work of art and by the way i have severe insomnia for the same demons good luck
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Wow, that was a great write, you captured a lot of imagery, hope you are ok xxx
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Wow amazing
I know how you feel great job -
"Constatntly" should be "constantly."
"comeing" should be "coming.
Nice write
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forever passing
that's the title I would use for this very personal and moving poem - forever passing - because the scars of childhood and abuse are there forever but hopefully they are passing just as the abuser was passing in the poem (although it felt like forever). I'm in a dark place, so cannot offer anything except applause for your poem, great emotion. from one insomiac to another!
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V, this is good work... it has universal appeal while being very personal and specific. And that is the great strength of any writer: being able to write about ones own experiences. i like your structure and the soft rhyme scheme you are working in... I'll be back to read more.
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Hmmm...
.... I like this poem as well, I noticed a typo line 4 "Comeing" should be Coming, Both stanzas are not structured the same IE the first stanze has rhyme pattern A,A,B,B,B then the second has the rhyme pattern A,A,B,B,C,B if you follow. I would suggest taking out line 5 of the second stanza completely for better flow. but I am not the best poet in the world. Another thing you might want to do is google Sonnet and see how you can expand your horizons. I am marking you as a friend and anxiously await more poetry from you. You definitely show promise girl and I am becoming a fan of your work.
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Thank you I am very flattered. Like I put in my AN I couldn't sleep so when I wrote it was about 2:00am so my grammer and what not are off. Heck I'm even skipping words.
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