This lady's fair, dreamy beauty outstands all,
thus she's kept, treasured, in the Golden Lands.
Her fragile heart sent out a pleading call,
across the roaring seas and flying sands.
Knights raced the wind to rescue the treasure,
obtain it for themselves to be their own.
They outran the distance with no measure,
banshees, sirens and hurricanes they faced alone.
Yet bravery proved not to be the tool
to kill the sheep who is a sleepless guard
acidic tongues, pretending a jewel;
left for dead by the hero's sword, scarred.
Shall hail the prince whose heart found the song.
Love blooms, complete, when two in faith belong.
(C)Noor 8/28/2009
Author notes
Contest prompt: Give the lady in the picture above a fantasy story.
Please do understand that this is my first try with Sonnets and it's not perfectly flawless, on the contrary it has many mistakes which I blame my English level for. I'll keep editing this piece until it's good enough to be read.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A special thanks I give to someone for planting hope in me and for encouraging me to try this form of poetry. You know who you are. 
Thanks for reading!
In a list
- Contest • next in list
- Honorable Mention • next in list
- Myth/Legends • next in list
- Epic-like poems • next in list
- Sonnets and Haiku • next in list
A contest entry
- Who is she? by lianonsidhe.
550 points, ended September 12, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any suggestions for improvement?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
This poem is absolutely lovely! The flow and imagery are exquisite.
This is a wonderful first sonnet and it has almost perfect form.
Please do post this! Congratulations on your HM win.
Here are some notes by a friend that will help with your next sonnet:
In the form of the Sonnet: pentameters have 5 beats
your Lines 3, 4, 6, 10, 14 were already perfect. Bravo!
taDA taDA taDA taDA taDA iambic.
BeFORE you WRITE rePEAT the SOUND aBOVE
and SOON it IS as EAsy AS i SAY
Start SMALL and USE your THUMB to COUNT upON
unTIL five FINgers SAY the LINE is DONE
Easy also to fix
"Shall HAIL the PRINCE (who's HEART) FOUND the SONG."
"Shall hail the prince whose heart has found the song."
[who's means "who is." Possessive is "whose"]
-
The smooth flow of this poem really has smitten me. No doubt you speak the Queens English. I don't think I've ever written a sonnet that smooth.
-
LOVELY!!!
A wonderful story, filled with chivilary and love!
-
An excellent attempt for a first sonnet! Keep it up!
-
Very good
I think you did a fine job for it being your first time with this type of poetry. I would love to give you three applause but unfortunately I am low on points.
so I hope 3 hugs will suffice. 
-
-
Awwwwwwwwww!!!
These hugs worth 1000 applauses.
-
-
good
a laudable first attempt,,,,,,,,and its under clear admittance of being one.Messagewas absolutely clear and the words carefully chosen.The poetess is becomind a bard ..err...bardess! -
Well, I would say it is very good first try considering English is not your first language... there are some very fine lines here like:
banshees, sirens and hurricanes they faced alone.
which I thought was really exceptional!!! Keep at it!
-
As a first sonnet this is great. I have never written a sonnet and yours has inspired me to try. I love poetry that tells a story and thoroughly enjoyed reading this one.
-
a nicely written sonnet and tale told.
-
From Hikari Lady's Mentor:
Other than the serious critique, we applaud your attemt as such, for English is your second or maybe 3rd language, and I would not take notice of any criticism, because the learning curve can be seen to admire you for.
I suggest instead of the form in the author notes, mention your newness to sonnets and erase the present one. I'll IM you my reasons.
Now, I guarantee, I shall lead you into many forms ok, and using from nine to larger line syllable counts to leave you with an outstanding outlook in sonneteering.
I have IM'd you with regards to this piece, and as your mentor, it is slight to let others know that you are being guided in the right context, to say that this piece should be bookmarked to see the improvement dictating each week.
I will say this, that having read the first line, then the last line only, we get a review of a story that evolves around knightly, gentlemanly features that while we expect the volta to change it slightly, to make me feel that the Golden Lands, are in fact love's longevity.
It needs a lot of working on, "Love", and the involvement of lizards, acidic tongues and poisonous drools, we are to accept that love should not remain in its fairytale stage, but be adult enough to the prospect of change as people do. The psychology of this piece is excellent.
I glory in using this piece in you creating. SONNET I by Hikari Lady,
as the first of many more.
Titus Llewellyn
-
Lovely sonnet. I enjoyed reading this
"Love blooms, complete, when wills don't rattle. " Love that!
A~
-
I told you, you can do this
so never doubt yourself again
*roars*
-
ah ts a fine sonnet
-
I read
and I liked
lol not much more to it than that! Great, great piece.
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
