…only language does not convey a feeling
Neither do words convey a feeling without touch
A melancholy outcome for a sacrificial heart
If it’s a crime, how come I feel no pain?
Meeting again somewhere… maybe in the rain
Before the lights... go... out...
Author notes
Word Inspired, its the first line.
A contest entry
- Pre-writes Rounds Contest by DancingStar.
400 points, ended October 23, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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a very interesting piece. just like Howl said: "short, sweet, and to the point". language does express feelings in words, but not the emotion. good description. a great write! glad to have you as a favorite. nicely done! a nice take on the prompt. it does seem like there could be more to the piece. maybe later on down the road you could make an extened version of the poem to go more into detail. i'm sure that you have more ideas for 'language'. it's still a great write! i guess you can say that i'm just thirsty for more. i hope you make it longer soon. if you do, would you please send me the link? i'll try to keep my eyes open in hopes that you will. like i said, it's a great short piece. i have a few pieces myself that are good, but feel like there's something missing and could have more meat on the bones. keep up the great works, poet! rock on, and don't forget that we all have our own opinions. if you don't think/feel that a longer version is a good idea then i will understand. please let me know either way. it would be great to know. thanks!!!
keep it up! by the way, sorry if i repeated myself at all. ;0)
my favorite line is: "If it’s a crime, how come I feel no pain?".
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short, sweet and to the point. "A melancholy outcome for a sacrificial heart."
...this reminds me of a local radio station that has a segment called "damn, i wish i wrote that" and the DJ plays a song he wishes he wrote.
Well for that line in quotes, i must say DAMN, i wish i wrote that.
very catchy and thought-provoking without trying to hard.
Kudos! -
I'm gonna have to agree with bluecanoe. Seems like you were trying to do several things at once and I'm not sure it ties together adequately. That being said, I do like the pairing of the pain and rain lines..
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ahh well not everyone can like this poem. thanks for your imput
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I find the thoughts focused and theme-based.. simplicity speaks very well here.
(prompt perfect) Sense of someone trying to convey a feeling and finding words too inadequate to express what they really mean. still trying ..before the emotion (the lights) is past/gone. well done.
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Ideas seem a bit too disparate in this piece--I want to be informed more as to language and feelings (or lack there of); the first two lines are intriguing and enjoyable but simply left me hanging as the rest of the poem does not seem to follow up on the notion. Also, I suggest "meaning" instead of the repeated "feeling" in the second line. I think maybe more rhyme or none at all would serve this poem better? Like the last line/ending!
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Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.
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Dear Lil Sis you are quiet the poet read this and suitably impressed a very insightful write and a wonderful read ...will check out more of your work
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beautiful
WOW this is wonderful Nyte simple and beautiful....
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Mommy time and time again you write such beautiful piece maybe some day I will be as good as you keep up the amazing job and never change
Searra
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Thank you Hun. I have seen your writes they are just as good
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good job
well done. great work.
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thank you mini
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This was interesting. I liked it. especially the part of feeling no pain. It reminds me of the state of shock one might feel after a crime has occurred. Thanks for sharing and keep that pen flowing.
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Ty Haley, Glad to see you enjoyed reading this write
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love it. adore it. want to steal it.
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Thought you'd like it, but no you can't steal it lol
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