These words, spawned from ink of despair;
sick, gray script that colours the air.
I crushed hot coals between my lips
and bled rust from my fingertips.
Ruptured ribs raped beyond repair,
these words, spawned from ink of despair.
Italics, carved into my spine,
gently sing, in a voice not mine.
This broken heart, it cannot sing;
what use have I, for such a thing?
These words, spawned from ink of despair,
each a sinner, without a prayer.
Now, mourning mother maims the child,
and muses in their wake run wild.
They fall from my tongue, skin split bare;
these words, spawned from ink of despair.
Author notes
prompt: grit
form: quatern [click]
alliteration: "ruptured ribs raped", "mourning mother maims", and "skin split".
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ugh.
shred it.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 2 by Laura Lamarca.
700 points, ended August 30, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Fluff is great, but it really doesn't help; honesty is the best policy.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I have trouble with formed poetry, generally. So, for starters it was a tough sell on me.
I liked your rhymes overall, they were intelligently crafted. None of that inane 'cat sat hat' rhyming that makes me want to tear my eyes out.
Excellent use of meter, very rhythmic.
I greatly dislike the title, however. Too wordy. It also says nothing about the piece itself. It's also a trifle off-putting when one references their own work as 'genius'. It's a bit alienating to your audience.
while the theme is quite common, the piece itself felt quite fresh, and while it could have strayed into the realm of cliche (and it drifts close a couple of times: "ink of despair" for example), it managed to keep it's own unique voice.
In terms of alliteration, 'ruptured ribs raped' doesn't really do it for me. The use of words that are so embedded in the common psyche, and associated so strongly of themselves with deep emotions, such as the word 'rape' certainly evokes an emotional response; but it's not unique, not specific to my experience, it's just a generality. It's one of those words that's so grossly overused as to have lost its specific meaning, and is simply awash in it's vague emotional attachment. Plus, in this context, just sounds a little forced.
Don't get me wrong, overall the piece is good. Very good, actually. -
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I'm sorry you misunderstood the title. It is intended as sarcasm, since I don't think I have any skill with form at all... Maybe I should have specified that in the ANs.
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Clever turns of phrase. I actually like "morning mother maims the child" The biggest issue I have is the title is probably the best line of all, kinda like when the amazing movie trailer makes you toss down you hard earned $10 bucks but when it is over you feel a bit let down by the rest of the film. Over all you can tell you had to work hard to stick within your formula, so I can't tell if I am impressed or if I feel like I had to work just as hard to read it.
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I understand that you're mournful, but you don't give a single hint as to why, which makes it a bit hard to relate.
Also this line just utterly baffles me.
"Now, mourning mother maims the child,
and muses in their wake run wild."
What in the goddesses' name does that mean in the context of the poem? I reread it four times and I still have not a single clue what you're talking about. -
wow, this poem is a mouthful! I'm assuming that you had to use the phrases 'ruptured ribs raped' and 'mourning mothers maim' and 'skin split' in this piece? If so, Kudos... you managed to pull it off!
Most of this poem seems to run along a set theme. Sort of a grit your teeth and bear it type of poem.... definately sorrowful, dispairing of one's self, perhaps trying to push through writer's block, or the dissapearance of one's muse? One's lover?
The last stanza doesn't really work for me. I can't see how the mourning mother maiming the child, and the muses running wild have to do with the idea of gritting one's teeth through the heartbreak, or the loss of a muse. And the idea of the muses running wild after the maiming of a child? I think you could have used another idea and kept within the same theme. For instance
Mourning mother maims lofty muse,
still, her wisdom I can not use.
Eclipsing my tongue, skin split bare,
these words, spawned from ink of dispair.
Just an idea, of course... but it does seem to continue the theme you started in the first stanza.
Overall, I really like this poem. Your meter is very sound (I checked it twice
) your rhyme is well done, the iliteration is great. Maybe rework the last stanza a bit, but fabulously done!
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First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 9/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 9/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 5/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 94/100
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My score:
First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 4/5
Originality: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 9/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 9/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 5/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 92/100
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Hetha's Rubric Grade:
First Impression: 8/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 9/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 9/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 5/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 93/100
~Hetha
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powerful and moving
I enjoyed this poem although it was very hard to read as it has so much angst. I really like the lines:
I crushed hot coals between my lips
and bled rust from my fingertips. ( just noticed that the comment below likes the same lines - that's because they are golden)
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"I crushed hot coals between my lips
and bled rust from my fingertips."
-love that image.
Great stuff, good luck!
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Your repeating line...i'd suggest something like this:
"ill's ink spawns words of dank despair"
it maintains the syllable count and lends strength to that line - being the repetitive line, it should be the most impactful.
Other than that though, this is an amazing quatern...i especially love stanzas 2 & 3 - i could actually hear your voice whilst reading them.
laura.
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Very RAW! And VERY talented!! I fuckingloveitalot!!! You are AMAZING! Top prize in my book! This spins much emotion by your talented words. a masterpiece!
*stompzs
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