I thought of you as Venus rose through sunset's early rays,
Her sparkle was the twinkle in your eyes.
She sang to me like birdsong at the start of summer days
But all I heard were echoes of your sighs.
The sunset brought your golden hair, your peach-tinged smiling face.
The deep blue skies the colour of your eyes.
The stars appeared to show me that you've reached your resting place,
The milky way must be your final prize.
I'll never live another day without you in my heart,
Your silhouette is always in my eyes.
I can't forgive the tragedy that tore our lives apart
But holding you was Eden in disguise.
In happy sad reflection you are still my evening star,
I'll never say goodbye to you, but only au revoir.
In a list
Please tell me honestly what you think, good or bad.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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odd isn't it how the appearance of Venus in the sky can hit our emotions. In answer to your question Sah, your poem is unsurprisingly damned good.
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Another beautiful poem Jeff ,written with your usual skilled pen.
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I think there is a way that Venus does rise - certainly from the waves of the sea (Titian, Boticelli), and definitely rising from the fading blue of the sky as evening comes. I think it's an acceptable image.
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Very nicely written and genuinely romantic. I endorse the comments already posted.
The imagery is mainly around Venus as the evening star, and the colours of sunset. You might consider polishing a couple of words that seem inconsistent with that.
Venus "rose" in line 1 is somewhat anomalous to describe Venus when it is setting following the sun.
You could say "appeared" if you don't mind the extra syllable, or "shone". You could even say "shines" if you change that line to present tense "I think of you as Venus shines...", which would entail changing lines 2 to 7 also to present tense (which would add immediacy, and be consistent with lines 9 to 14).
The other slightly anomalous word is "start" in line 3. It suggests a reference to the start of the day, though I assume you mean the start of summer, not summer sunrise. One way of avoiding the unintended overtones would be to change "at the start" to "in the dusk". I'm sure you can find other and better alternatives.
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The reference is to "birdsong at the start of summer days" ie the morning chorus, not to a sound that is heard at sunset. As to the "rose" yes, you are right in the sense that Venus doesn't rise from the horizon, I was thinking more like a submarine rising to the surface and thus becoming visible. I shall think on a more apt word.
Thank-you as ever for the detailed and very useful critique, I genuinely appreciate them
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Wonderfully done hon
as always you amaze me.
(my eyes are hazel Sheesh.really now
)
You will never have to say goodbye, for at least 30 + years or so.
Love you
Tory
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Wonderfully and softly written, beautiful flow as usual and great rhyming, but that's nothing new. Very well done Jeff I like it... Scott
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A romantic ending for a romantic poem ... "Au revoir"always sounds so much better that "goodbye".
Written with your usual talent for beauty, rhyme and flow.
Sue
x
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Oh thats lovely
what a beautiful poem! nothing more I can than that really.
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