he welcomes her
like the prodigal sunshine
that roams home after the night
and beams brighter
than any full moon.
so the moon feels empty.
A contest entry
- what you will by Fairies on Fire.
850 points, ended September 14, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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so the moon feels empty - a well drafted final line.
beautifully done.
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Well, I did ask for brevity!
I liked this, it was simple and had a nice feel to it. But I felt like it lacked some depth, almost like it needs a little more story to really draw the reader in and make them care. I'd recommend maybe this being the end of a poem that could be a few lines longer, maybe 10 in total, including this.
The first three lines of this were simply beautiful, I really really liked them, but I think the end line is maybe a little weak, for such a short poem, all the lines need to be of equal calibre and that one is flatter. Definitely keep the meaning but maybe think about a more subtle, less overtly state way of saying the same thing.
Thank you so much for entering! -
Ah! What a blinding metaphor!
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