what if every star in the sky was a piece of a shattered soul?
every time a heart is broken, a new star would be formed.
that, I think, would be the greatest expression of hope after loss...
Look, dearie, dusk is falling.
Can you see the broken hearts across the sky?
(the night is swathed in memories)
(the night is swathed in memories... promises... and clouds)
A contest entry
- what you will by Fairies on Fire.
850 points, ended September 14, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
The first three lines are very, very beautiful, you teeter on just the right side of sounding melodramatic and your words sound wise rather than angsty, which would be the temptation. Lovely stuff.
But, I think the poem is too short for the cacophany of different ideas and style you have here, so it feels unfinished and piecemeal. You have prose-like long lines at the start, some speech and a repeated parenthesis. Its all too much for a short poem. I'd advise picking one of these styles and sticking to it, to give the poem structure and purpose. But I'm still basically looking at your lovely first section, so I can't stay critical!
Thank you
- Sarah x -
Lovely Shya
david
Adding your comment:
