romeo & juliet

why cant i breathe whenever i think about you?
whats going on with me?
i thought it was all over...
that we didnt have to worry about each other anymore
& that we didnt have to pretend anymore.,
maybe the truth is we both still care
or maybe its just me
i can read your eyes more easily than a book
& i kno that somewhere
underneath all the mystery & secrecy
that you still care about me
but you will never admit it
even if i got on my face & begged for you back
just like i do in my daydreams
as i pick at my already chewed off fingernails
pretending to listen to whatever the lesson is on today in chemistry
because thats when i think about you the most
&& i still wonder what itd be like
to be able to sit next to you & have no one make fun
or even to hold your hand or hug u
when everyone knew why we did it
because we did care
&& the best part about it
the part we didnt have last time
was that everyone knew
&& we didnt have to have secrets
we didnt have to hide ourselves
as if we were ashamed of our involuntary feelings
& everyday in english class
i tune out the woman in the front
to stare at that tower
as i remember how it all started
now do understand that i know im getting ahead of myself
&& that im running along the lines of what many people call tacky
but thats what made you different
the fact that you didnt care if i was cheesy or ugly or even self conscious
because you didnt make me feel that way
every time i said something i regretted because the words were all mixed up,
you helped me unscramble them
&& every time i came to school in sweat pants & my hair pulled back with absolutely no makeup on,
you would always tell me i looked beautiful after school
&& when i wasnt sure what you thought of this idea or what you remembered from previous conversations
you brought them up by yourself,
without me having to remind you
&& thats what made you different
thats why i chose you as my first love
& no matter what state im in now
i will never regret it
i miss those late night conversations
the side hug up on the balcony
the fact that you could make me cry but chose not to
& when u did that one time...
you apologized sincerely
without even knowing i ever cried.
&& you meant every word of it,
you werent that fake boy who has to be reminded to apologize
&& you werent that boy who doesnt care but pretends to
because you always did care
no matter what it was
you were there for me
in my darkest hours, when my friends had left me
&& when the world seemed to be spinning clockwise for once in its many years
& i know i never told you this
but i guess i can tell you now
because despite what anyone can believe
all those times in the english room
while listening to certain songs,
the words we used to cover up the truth:
that you are not mine
& we cannot avoid the inevitable
there wont be a happy ending
this isnt like the movies or fairytale books,
because really those things never happen
we wont end up on top of an old retro car holding hands & kissing as the screen fades to black & the credits start to play
this is reality
& i said earlier that i had something to tell you
& id like to end this gathering of words with this
that i love you.
&& i always always will