You lay on the beach,
as the storm rolls in.
Waves pick up, and thunders roar...
still you lay, your fears kept in.
Winter comes, with bitter cold.
You throw on layers,
strap in and go.
Though... inside your ice.
The warmth, you just wont trust.
Sleepless nights,
they come, they dont leave.
1,2,365 days, still drained.
It never ends, you cant let go.
Your oh so loved!
You know it,
but do you feel it?
When your loved,
you can take shelter!
We never want to see you hurt,
your ache, is ours as well.
Remember the storm on the beach,
the cold of the mountain?
They should be places of comfort,
beautiful places of peace and joy.
That was all shattered to pieces.
But our God heals, He listens.
Please release unto Him your pain,
please reach out and allow us the blessing
of helping you wage war against the injustice
so wrongfully handed to you.
Be free my friend!
I cant force you,
its not my place.
But I care,
the day you take flight,
and sleep tight,
I hope to be there.
Author notes
I need some massive insight on any constructive criticism. My friend Ange, I love her so much. But a year ago she was completely crushed, shes never let go of the pain. I wanted to send this to her with a book. But I want to make sure that its perfect as can be. Please provide insight.
Comments
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Ok, not trying to be a spoil sport here, especially as you have already received lots of grammatical critiques; but I still see more errors that haven't been pointed out. Your poem contains lots of comma splices. For instance these lines -
"We never want to see you hurt,
your ache, is ours as well."
- should be changed to:
We never want to see you hurt;
your ache, is ours as well.
(using a semi colon)
Or, you should insert a conjunction (and, but, for, nor, etc.) after the comma to produce something like this:
We never want to see you hurt,
For your ache, is ours as well.
See? Two subject and verb pairs joined together often need more than just a comma to join them.
Great thoughts and ideas, though. Keep it up!
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Hi =)
This is a beautiful poem, and I think it's wonderful that you'd take the time to write something like this for a friend. The only thing really wrong is the grammar and punctuation.
"and thunders roar..." should be "and thunder roars..." unless you had some reason for switching the s on purpose.
"inside your ice. The warmth, you just wont trust." I think you want a comma after "ice" instead of a period."you cant let go." should be "you can't let go." with an apostrophe.
"Your oh so loved!" should be "You're oh so loved", same with "When your loved,"
"your ache, is ours as well." should be "your ache is ours as well" without the comma.
"I cant force you, its not my place." should be "I can't force you, it's not my place."
And I think that's about it. Great job, though. =)
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You asked for constructive criticism, so here goes..
1. You need to understand the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE; ther former means "belonging to you", the latter means "you are".
2. Can't requires an apostrophe. So does don't.
3. So does it's when it means "it is".
4. You need to study the difference between "to lie" and "to lay".
Oh dear, I see I have already made a comment to the above effect - but you ignored it. -
sorry that it took soooo long for me to get back, its been crazy! But I just want to let you all know that I most definitely appreciate all your input!!! I will think it over, and do my best. Perhaps I will do two versions, a song, as well as a more descriptive and longer poem. Though Im not really sure how to write a song ;-P
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You know, I was thinking throughout the entire poem, and when I read your author notes, I was convinced. I think you should refrain one of those stanzas and turn it into a song. One or two paras, then the chorus, one or two paras, back to the chorus. I think it might work out better that way.. Potentially the 365 day stanza or the "oh you're so loved" para.
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I guess, for me this does more telling than showing. I really did get the feeling you were going for while reading it, but I wish you would have made me envision it. Overall, a good piece.
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One technical problem: You used the wrong "you're".
It appears, from the point of view of someone who does not know you or Angie, that you are telling Angie's story. Your poem holds a very touching story. The imagry and thought you put into this is very striking. You must know Angie very well.<3
It's so nice how you decided to write this for your friend, and give it to her.
Best Wishes,
Funky -
I would talk more descriptive of the mountains and the ocean by adding a couple more stanzas. and wish you to sleep tight and I hope to be there to comfort you with the night. adding more description could really reach into the reader and your friend. good start.
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I think you mean "lie on the beach", not "lay on the beach" - if you meant the whole thing to be in the past, then you need to amend the content of the other stanzas appropriately. Also: apostrophes needed!
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