by Gregg Rowe
(For my mother:
I hope we find the love before it is too late)
I leave the Montréal General Hospital
Another blood test
Another track on my arm
Wish the damn nurse would
Learn how to take blood
Bruises as large as a twonie
Nine vials full, wonder if I have any left
In the ten percent floats ninety percent of water
They only need to fill it a quarter full
To get the one minuscule drop of blood to put on the slide
Examine my microscopic bites under a scope
A pause café, fifteen minutes
Off to see my psycho-therapist
It’s only nine in the morning
Been up since six creaking the old bones together
Hearing the snaps as the joints connect
Drug free therapy
Leaving behind issues in his office
Hopefully carrying solutions out
I feel nauseated and weak from the fruit loop pills
I have to eat for breakfast every morning
I skip class for while, the pain in my legs
Feel like I have anvils
Dragging on the cement sidewalks of Montreal
Cross Pine Avenue to Guy Street
Instinctively walk towards the Metro
The subway system, not the grocery store
Your angelic voice sings in my head
I’m oblivious to the traffic of cars and people
Sunlight September summer Montréal afternoon
Haunts my memories as your angelic voice floats through my mind
"The old hometown looks the same
As I step down from the train
And there to meet me
Is my momma and poppa"
Secret moments I had captured
Through a child’s innocent eye:
An afternoon sunlit room
Open fibre-glass curtains
Scottish hair lights up the walls
Teaching me to waltz
Just the two of us, smiling in eternity
Those stolen afternoon dances
Breaks the monotonous darkness
When he stalks in
Stroll down Guy Street
At the age of forty-three
I have not heard your angelic
Ethereal voice since I was eight
They swim and flush in my head
Break and tear my soul
Create a chaotic ambivalence
That I feel towards you
In every monthly phone conversation
I have never come out
And have really said
"I love you."
You, the half creator of me
Who endured more pain
In just my birth
"Why after three children already
Would you want to have another
If the abuse had already commenced?"
Nineteen fifties
Heterosexual male supremacy dominated
Leads me to deduce
I am the product of
An abusive sexual relationship
False love conceived a human
"I hate him,"
she snarled to my aunt
Over a cup of coffee in the farm kitchen
While I played like an eight year old
Undetected in the sandbox
Below the open window
"He has his father’s piercing eyes
and sinewy artist’s hands."
Your enclosed terror of the male characteristic
That I carry of my father’s chromosomes
What a legacy,
to be hated by the woman who bore you
These words are embedded
Coupled with her comment
At my brother’s funeral
"You should be lying in that coffin instead of him!"
Her words bounced off the Church ceiling
Peeled in my ears and rang me to oblivion
Amnesia is my best friend to absorb the pain
A heterosexual brother with a wife and family
Is more important
Than a homosexual brother living with HIV
Words which pierced my heart
A piece of jagged mirror
Sliced in my life’s veins
Another bridge you successfully bombed
That was yesterday,
yesteryear,
yestermemory
Today your angelic voice
Soothes me to sleep safely
I get to Blvd. de Maisonneuve
Grey fluffy cumulus clouds
Race towards the towering city buildings
Alfred Hitchcock’s greying of the skies
Before the birds arrive
Glance across the intersection
Notice Uncle.
In another man
Amongst a street full of strangers
We both begin to cross
Simultaneously
As he nears, I capture
A photograph image in my mind
Juxtaposed to an eight-year old child’s flashback
Snowy white tussled hair
Youthful face
Brown piercing eyes
Full of shit
Another question unanswered
"Why after thirty-four years
He brings up a story
About me at the age of seven or eight
Reaching out to touch him sexually
In a public swimming pool locker room?"
An incident I have no recollection of
Yet I remember my temple
Being abused vividly
Selective memory or walking hand in hand with amnesia?
I am not responsible for my actions as a child
I am responsible for my actions as an adult
An uncle, whom I haven’t
Seen or heard from
Since Dad died in the house fire
In nineteen seventy one
An uncle who never gave a shit about me
As a child
Who went cold as Dawson Creek’s temperature
On a winter day in early-January
I had a two-hour stop over
In his town and rang his phone
Thought it would be nice to reconnect
After all these years
Meet his wife, shoot the breeze
Connect to my family roots
Yet, was refused to be entertained
By this self-proclaimed high society professor
"Because you do not have an appointment.”
"Fuck you Uncle.!"
With your false air of sophistication
I have probably tasted better champagne from a Styrofoam cup
Than the cheap white shit you place in your crystal
I have heard family stories
About the ghosts in your closets
Yet never repeated them
So talk to me, not my back
You slandering bastard
I cry a river within
Am I the only one to admit
I come from a destroyed dysfunctional family
Caused by the patriarch of it all
I live in isolation with my family ghosts
Their burdened cross upon my shoulders
I search for the truth
To distinguish the reality
Living in a fantasy
Sanity as my survival
I am the observer
Of body language
Facial expressions
Movements
Conscious of any discrimination
That might float my way
My world is a moving factor
Time speeds by
The wrinkles are appearing
As I cover them with face cream
Urgency becomes my necessity
I have aged
I have aged
I have aged
Your angelic voice recites in the depths of my mind
Sitting at an outside café
On the streets of Montréal
Composing this poem
+++++++
"Ninety years it had stood
On the old shelf itself
Tick tock tick tock
One day it suddenly stopped
Never to tick again
When the old man died..."
A summer sprinkle rain
Rises in steam from the Montreal streets
Protected by the caf&#;s outdoor awning
From getting soaked
Sun breaks through the grey cumulus clouds
A rainbow umbrellas the city
Judy Garland dances in my head
Urgency becomes my necessity
"Somewhere over the rainbow…"
A hurricane hyper than Isabelle
And Juan migrate together
Tumbles in the abyss
Of my stomach
A flock of a hundred seagulls
Flutter above my head
I scream inside:
"Please don’t shit on my head!"
As I depart from the outdoor café
Just one of my regular day trips to the hospital
To prepare for a possible surgery
In December
Ironically, to repair my heart
After it is over
And I am de-etherized
Would I say
"I love you?"
How would you respond?
Whatever it is
My existence is more important
Than the plastic response
In the meantime
I will journey with Judy Garland.
Author notes
OPTION #3:
Picture Inspired:
www.epath.org/blog/uploaded_images/raining-794941.jpg
Oh these demons continue to scream and rape my mind at night. The unconditional love that I have for my mother transcends but there is no live spirit to receive it...yet...There has been an opening of communication since my appointment as a Writer-in Residence at Trinity College in Hartford, Conneticut...she finally sees that a poet can sustain a respect in society...
And it is so true, because of the angst that Judy experienced in her personal life while trying to maintain a public image, gay men can relate deeply and we hold a special bond with this little sparrow.
Written October 1st, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- Submit Your Best... by chantalq.
300 points, ended June 1, 2005, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest Number 14 by crivanea.
500 points, ended November 24, 2006, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Just read this again- needs more rewards
David
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impressive
wow..that was one intense emotional ride..the piece was just so....stunning..i can't help but shiver at the power of ur words..wonderful job overall ..i love ur usage of outside envirnment to prove ur point..the part of the seagulll for example..anyway..poems like these are hard to find..one with just feelings from the heart..instead of focus on lines and meters and such..and i think that's whats poetry is all about...thnx so much for ur submission..i hate to blow the bubble though..if u read my rules..the contest only permit 30 lines or less..please do not change this piece in anyway though..i love it the way it is..anyway..happy thnxgiving -
Lea: Thank you for reading and awarding my poem with an award. As you can see it is a personal journey for me and my mother and I am glad that i have had the opportunity to pen these words and am happy to say that we are in the middle of repairing our relationship after all these years. Godspeed and many thanks. Gregg
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Wow. I am literally speechless. I know I should give a better review than this but nothing I say could express how amazing and well written this poem is. The different kind of emotions that flow through it, the repetition, it's all wonderful. I may not know you well but I feel like holding you right now and letting you know everything will be all right.
Overall, excellent. Truly deserves the applause it's getting.
~CT -
What do I say now? So many thigs crossed my mind while reading this: empathy being chief among them. Being a mother, I find it contemptable and disgraceful to treat a child like that, and I wish I could take them all in and love them.
I alos gather that you are not well physically, and I am sorry for that as well.
Onto the poem, it is really multi faceted and an excellent portrayal of your inner thoughts. I enjoyed it throughout, though some parts more than others, such as:
They swim and flush in my head
Break and tear my soul
Create a chaotic ambivalence
That I feel towards you
and
the repitition of 'I have aged' worked so well.
Thanks for your entry.
~ Lea
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This one has a lot of emotion in it, it expresses feelings that have seem to be held within for quiet sometime, good write and good luck in the contest.
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Amazing! That is such good writing. It has been strung together
brilliantly.
David
Edited on Sep 01 because ''. -
Exquisite
I dont know where to start, Having taken this journey with you through a day in a life, it opens my mind to my own son who is homosexual, I adore this young man and so do his siblings and father, I find it so strange that people can reject the love offered by someone as couragous as yourself. Life is too short for condemnation when all my son is looking for ( and yourself also) is a return for the love shown. This he receives not only from us but anyone who knows him. I know he is very lucky to be accepted in this way and the only fear that I have is that someday someone will hurt him as badly as you have been hurt. I wish to offer support to you in the only way I can and that is to understand something of what you have been through and also to as this speaks louder than words,
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Thanks for entering my contest... Good luck!!! I'll make meaningful comments when I judge the poems... I'm just thanking everybody for entering...
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Gregg, as always you have taken us on a journey of sorts adn allowed us to "visualise" threough your minds eye the places we visit on out trip...I think I shall be back to congratulate you on this piece, for this must surely be a trophy winner... fredea
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Whoa. You explained everything so well. And it was very moving. This poem is just so honest and real. I am speechless and don't have the words to say. It's amazing how you can love someone who hates you, I know the feeling. You did a marvelous job! You are a very talented poet! Keep writing and good luck in the contest!
~Trisha~ -
Amazing Write, The Wording Was Rather Great, And The Structure Was Beautiful.
Thanks For Entering! -
excellent
My gosh!!I feel I know you.A very insightful poem to those of us you don't know what it's like to feel the stigma stiil attached to being gay in this society.I have love 4 you my brother.And good luck in the contest. Jacki D -
wooooooooooooooo!!! go u..its sooo coooool man.....awesome great...muchly clever...long words...me's loving it mate...good luck!
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there are so many emotions in this piece. being adopted i understand the unconditional love thing, which i do have for my birthmother, never met her and i love her still.
this makes me want to wrap you up and protect you, as i believe i am protecting my son. i left...i did, after he (that would be he the husband) raped, choked and squeezed my head. after my son started tellin him to be nice, after my son started tellin me mommy it will be ok...
ghosts linger everywhere, -
yet another great write by LotR...why am i not surprized?...lol...i just love your work boi, you know that...i just can't get enough!...and ironicly, i hate my own...yet i love it, it keeps me alive, and i believe you feel the same, your poetry makes me cry and at times makes me smile!your emotion is so real and it is so hard to feel someone else's pain, thoughts, confusion, joy and anger and everytime you pick up a pen, i am overflooded with your emotions!
great write, as always!
love
caity -
your words leave me speechless gregg
but not without tears
~liz -
Wow, that is one long poem! It felt as if i was taking a walk with you in your everyday life and i couldn't stop reading. I had to read it three times to fully get most of it, and the italics and bold really help, they look great! I love the lines That was yesterday,
yesteryear,
yestermemory
the way you've arranged them is really good
. The parts of the songs were an ingenious idea and you have some beautiful lines in there . And the amount of swearing is fine, you've used it to express you're emotions and it only adds to the enjoyment reading. As like DragonessTawnya i laughed a little at the seagull part. Great writing!
~xJox~
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~ CAPTIVATING!! ~
What a walk I've taken with you, Gregg. The onslaught of the pain you've felt has struck me..right in my heart. I know how you're feeling, somewhat... as I do not have contact with my family either. Though, for different reasons... We should talk sometime!!
Anyway.. your aching heart just screams for love in this write.
It just makes me want to run right over to you and give
you a big hug, to take away some of the pain you bear. You've expressed deeply, all the emotions that dwell within you.. and you've bravely shared them with all of us. I thank you. I enjoyed reading this one, though it tugged at my heart, it was still worth reading. It was a look further into you, who you are, what you feel..
I think this write flowed smoothly... and paired up with all your italics, it had an everlasting effect. I like the italics, as it seemed to have let us know what you were thinking, And also bits of a song. I truely enjoyed walking with you and Judy, let's do that again some time
~Aimee
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Ok, I am a little buzzed right now, so I am reallty trying hard to type this right. It was very intresting to walk through your day with you. Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry you and your mother have a not-so-good relattionship. I lost my mother when I was 16, so it is hard for me when I hear that someone else has a hard time with theirs. It sounds like you are at least talking with her, so that's good. I admit, I did chuckle a little at the seagull part (sorry). I wouldn't want bird poop on my head either. I nearly bawled a few times during reading this though. It's a great poem. Thanks again for letting us, the readers, share your day with you.
~Tawnya~
PS Sorry for typing this when I was drinking. I don't drink very often, so it doesn't take much for me to get a buzz or even drunk. =\ I hope I made at least \some\ sense in this.
~DT~
Edited on Apr 01, 10:25 p.m. because 'I'm still drunk.'. -
Alright my friend, it worked, finally... i think my problem was using the backslash above the 6, but I have another one on my French keyboard which works, thanks again for the help my friend.
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Don't use the backslash key (the one with the question mark over it). Only works with slash, and it has to be right next to the letters of the words you want to italisize.
Let me know if you got it or not. . .I'll try and work you through it.
Edited on Apr 01, 6:16 p.m. because ''. -
Okay that didn't work. Just use the slash key to contain the words you want to italisize. That would be the key above the "Enter" button or key.
Edited on Apr 01, 6:14 p.m. because ''. -
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!
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Do you mean like this?
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This was beautiful. A wonderful story that you unfolded here. The pain and will for survival. Excellent work here. Good Luck in the contest.
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This is an amazing story of hope and survival. I have no words to describe how I feel about it fully. Just awesome. You must have been through so much and it is shared so beautifully. I can feel the emotion through reading this poem. It's often difficult to find a poem that can actually make it's reader 'feel' what the writter has felt but you have done it with ease. Amazing.
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Jen: Just you stopping by and leaving your existence through your comments is enough for me...that's all I can say now because after I finish writing something like this I am emotionally/intellectually drained so I will run for now and be back later!
Edited on Apr 01, 3:02 p.m. because 'spelling (as usual), why don't they put the spell check up here for messages also'. -
oh and I confess a slight igornance in the italics department...
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wow, I'm thinking I just feel honored to have the chance to read you.... Your bravery and your hope, gives me something to attain to... Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us.... and maybe one day I'll be able to comment better on your work like it deserves... lol.
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