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Eyes Like Lives

The walls that deceive aren't high enough
They were only built for passing trials
A procession of cynics files by
leaving stone to corrode as by bile
standing atop a lone tower of glass
Finally a flaw in design that will fail
beneath the passing eyes

A sword for chivalry and a flask for pride
Articles of faith won't prove their worth
when reality closes in with strain
A mist seeped in with the intention
to cloud the spaces between breaths
Leaving thought to our dreams
and their capacity to betray

Who would fathom a perfect time
to tear down the future like
light spilling in a darkroom and
exposing our images of contentment
Blackened like a velvet curtain
Fragile like a disease

Spoiled with an angels glare
Forgotten in fear as a leper contagious
with truth to ruin the calm run amok
Regret carries weight that informs
on desire and rots away intent
For intentions deceive like a cynic's eye
Benevolent or malevolent the cry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • ParadoxFry
    August 25

    Edit | Reply
    First off, awesome vocab, you've got some great words and concepts in there. Your box has the right tools.

    I find this poem strange, in that it's written in the same way as a poem that has been harshly forced to rhyme, but it doesn't. It seems to have that, non-flowing, un-natural resistance to the language that I find in pieces where someone has taken a perfectly good free-verse poem, and tried to cram it into a rhyming scheme... only in reverse.

    Similarly, it seems to have elements of slam in it. When I try to read it like a slam, it seems to work better; but it's not quite that either. Maybe it's just the line spacing that's throwing me off, and making it feel synthetic.

    Also, you use quite a lot of similes. (which is quite common in a lot of slam) Most of them are really effective, but there are a couple that I find a bit... awkward. Specifically:
    'A procession of cynics files by
    leaving stone to corrode as by bile'

    Ignoring that bile isn't especially corrosive, I'm not sure that the simile actually adds here. To me, the awkwardness of the wording almost seems to detract a bit, and certainly impedes the flow of the piece.

    Having said all that, I don't at all think that it's a bad poem. Far from it. In fact, I think it has the trappings of a very good poem, it just needs a bit of re-imagining. Maybe attack it from a new angle?


    • springheeljane
      August 25
      Edit | Reply
      This is a really well-thought-out review, and it pretty much captures all my thoughts on the poem!