there's a willow in the backyard.
we named her Saint Helena, like the mountain with a caved-in peak. the one that killed people.
I think it's because when I was little I pretended that we lived in a trash can. people came and commited suicide, got married and divorced, gave birth and just died died died. we were witnesses to the life in my head, but then someone told me that we lived in an apartment and the people died because of blood clots.
that made me sad. 'cause sometimes I just wanted people to think, and maybe smile.
I'm seventeen today. I wonder if he remembers. 'cause it's been a few years, but it was the first time for both of us in his backseat, and you don't just forget your first.
it was three years ago, I think. I'm not too sure anymore, I don't remember these things very well. don't even remember his name. probably Ethan, or something out of a popular sixties novel. I remember that he had a tattoo on the underside of his chin, though. it was blue, and I stared at it the whole time.
we live in the city, so when I went for a walk today, I couldn't feel anything. there were crows on the powerlines and people thumping the asphalt with doormats and walking too fast in high heels that clicked with every step.
it's kind of funny how people are always in a rush, because we never have anywhere really important to be, and most of my favorite cliches are about slowing down to smell the flowers.
maybe people go too fast
because there aren't any roses in the city.
Author notes
I'll work on it some more. :]
Angela's Prompts:
+ Poison Oak - Bright Eyes
+ Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisely & Allison Krauss
Decode's Prompts:
+ Don't trust me
+ jaw
Still.She.Waits's Prompts:
+ MIGRAINE
+ She Talks To Angels - The Black Crowes
critique it.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Awww!
Beautiful
-
oh my god. actual literature on allpoetry. you are going on my favourites for sure.
-
-
Thank you so much! That really means a lot, especially coming from you.
-
-
beautiful...
"I'm seventeen today. I wonder if he remembers. 'cause it's been a few years, but it was the first time for both of us in his backseat, and you don't just forget your first. "
thats so true
-
192
Title: 15/15
Imagery: 20/20
Flow: 19/20
Use of prompts: 25/30
Word use: 19/20
Creativity: 20/20
Emotion: 20/20
Style: 20/20
Spelling/Grammar: 15/15
Overall opinion: 19/20
Total: 192
There are so many thoughts in this, so many avenues of complex thought. It was a pleasure to read.
Thanks for entering.
-
ooh this is really awesome.
I don't really see the connections with each of the paragraphs.. but I'm just slow >.<
'the one that killed people.' <-- for some reason that line to me sounds juvenile.
like I like the concept in that part.. but idk.
I think it's because when I was little I pretended that we lived in a trash can. people came and commited suicide, got married and divorced, gave birth and just died died died. we were witnesses to the life in my head, but then someone told me that we lived in an apartment and the people only died because of blood clots.
that made me sad. 'cause sometimes I just wanted people to think, and maybe smile.
---
that's BRILLIANT. woaaaah.
if it was me I'd put died died died on different lines.. or commas in between. but this is still awesome.
I really like that paragraph.. like one of my favourite things you've ever written.
probably Ethan, or something out of a popular sixties novel. I remember that he had a tattoo on the underside of his chin, though. it was blue, and I stared at it the whole time.
---
I like that too. very creative
and the ending is amazing!!!! I can see how that connects to the paragraph about living in trash cans. but not really the rest.
I love the idea of that cliche. it's one of my favourite ones to think about too. and you ended this so perfectly.
lol I tried to critique :S but I fail.
♥
goodluck!
-
I LOVE THIS WHOLE STANZA "I think it's because when I was little I pretended that we lived in a trash can. people came and commited suicide, got married and divorced, gave birth and just died died died. we were witnesses to the life in my head, but then someone told me that we lived in an apartment and the people only died because of blood clots." but i would omit the "only" i think it would read really strongly like this:
"but then someone told me that we lived in an apartment and the people died because of blood clots."
it was blue, and I stared at it the whole time. - awesome line
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
