My darling, my lovely Lotus,
my siren of the seas.
I miss the scent of your sweet hair
that makes me weak in the knees.
This distance that lies between us
is growing every day,
each second I’m away from you
is another spent in pain.
I long to hear your chiming voice,
a song so sweet and fair.
Another night away from you
I simply cannot bear...
alas my love, bear it I must
for duty still calls me away.
The danger is tearing me apart,
to keep safe is all I pray
so that I can come home to you,
my love for all of time,
to take your hand and say our vows
and make you forever mine.
Author notes
This is a poem from Daniel to Lotus, characters in a story my friend is writing. He's away on assignment and they had to delay their engagement.
A contest entry
- Contest by Griswold.
900 points, ended August 27, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Awe...how sweet. Thanks for your entry.
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Nice job, I like it for the most part, there are a few stumbles syllable wise in the flow to me. The poem itself is just too damn sappy funny.
Let me show you what I mean about the flow.
My darling, my lovely Lotus, 8 syl
my siren of the seas. 6 syl
I miss the scent of your sweet hair 8 syl
that makes me weak in the knees. 7 syl
If you read it out loud to yourself you'll notice the stumble on the last line, it just doesn't feel right. I also can feel a hitch with the comma in the first line and the three "my's" in such close proximity going into the second line.
This is my suggestion to relieve that problem.
My darling the lovely Lotus,
my siren of the seas.
I miss the scent of your sweet hair,
that brings me to my knees.
It is now 8/6/8/6 and flows much better.
The rest of the poem could be treated in just the same manner in 4 line sections.
Hope this dont piss you off but it's just what I see...Thank you for entering I appreciate it, Best of luck to you... Scott
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haha no it doesnt piss me off at all! i much appreciate constructive criticism! usually when i write i dont pay much attention to syllable and all that, i just write what comes out and sometimes ill look back later and edit it. i much appreciate your suggestions, it does flow much better and i'll likely make that change. thanks for hosting the contest!
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