Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Past Tomorrow

When the past has been easy
And tomorrow dawns hard,
When the thread has unraveled
And its beauty is marred--

When the dreams have all shattered
And the night brings no rest,
When the sun turns to blood
And it burns in the west--

Though the dreams turn to blood,
And tomorrow is marred
Though the sun sets too quickly
And its failure burns hard--

Though the past is unraveled
And the night grasps the west,
Though the thread's line is shattered
And love's beauty's no rest--

Though the world starts to fade
And the music is gone,
Tonight, here with you,
I am where I belong.

Author notes

I actually started writing this piece well over a year ago, with the When--And concept in mind. I never thought I'd finished it, but I found it, all written up in my notebook when I was going through it before school. Not sure about the title. I need to revise it, the meter's a little strange, but I was surprised by it and wanted to see what you thought.

Comments? Questions? Concerns? Jokes?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Lady-of-Twilight
    August 27
    Edit | Reply
    I like it dear. It's different than most of your other stuff. It's not overly complicated or over thought about. It's fresh.


  • Mirthryl
    August 26

    Edit | Reply
    Just some thoughts, not necessarily improvements.

    Stz1, key words "past", "tomorrow", then "thread" and "beauty." Part of me wants more direct connection. Perhaps, "when the present unravels/and hope's visage is marred"?

    Stz 2 to keep meter, perhaps "when my dreams have all shattered/and the night brings no rest,/and the hem'rrhaging sun soaks/the dark skirts of the west"? Yet that would tempt me to reposition the last two lines ahead of the first two, as the sunset ususally preceeds
    dream time. Start with "When the hem'rrhaging sun...and go on from there, and see what you think.

    Stz 3, need to tweak the meter. L1 ok, L2 maybe add "my" after 'and'. L4 [tweak meter] seems to be at odds with the following stanza--if the Stz 3 night is loveless, is Stz 4s being with "you,...where I belong" the deservedly loveless punishment that awaits at the end of the first person's world?


    • Nights Aikata
      August 27

      Edit | Reply
      I drastically altered it, it has a lot more of a strict form now--what do you think? The meter's closer now...but was the first version better? I can't tell. Oh yes, and the thread comment? I do too much cross stitch but I was picturing it like a beautiful tapestry where if one loose thread is pulled, the entire masterpiece can fall apart.


      • Mirthryl
        August 27
        Edit | Reply
        S1 L4 what does "its" refer to?

        S3 what do you think of 'the sun sets too quickly'? L4, what does "its" refer to?

        Lovely edit, I much prefer the clarity of "love's beauty's no rest"

        last stanza, I'd probably undo the contraction and go with "I am where I belong"--fits the meter better, and is a little stronger in presence.

        Very nice parallel and intersecting lines, with the dreams/past and the threads interchanging verbs, like unraveled, shattered, etc.
        Gives a sense of persistence in the setting and mood.