It is this ---
my memories blurred by a filter of self-hate;
your face out of focus, weighed down by a fog of indecision
the past and future colliding into a failing now
It is this ---
arms trembling with the effort of poising my body above yours
thighs shaking in agonizing pleasure,
the thoughts in my brain off if only for that moment;
the lies in my body stopped in that moment of painful truth...
The doubt encircling my steps and my very breath
robbing me of the serenity the blue sky, green tea, your kisses can offer ---
It is this doubt that I am willing to rid from my Self;
It is this paralyzing fear that you will die before I am ready to leave you;
it is this rejection of acceptance that I can NOT live with
and be okay in my skin
I am terrified
that the decision I've made to love you wholly
has stolen my best years from me...
and it is this I must
trust that those thoughts
are nothing but lies
Author notes
I'm dating a man 20 years older than me and my family has turned their backs on me because of it -- I've lost friends (hence the poetry before about loneliness) - and only a very select few people in my life could give a fuck less about our age difference and are ecstatic to see him happy (finally) and me treated well --- very few people acknowledging and living the fact it is not their place to judge, but God's and my own.
(And of course I have fears and doubts)
Comments
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This one. This is what I am talking about. NEVER trust other people when they tell you what kind of standards there are to relationships and love. The ONLY standard you need to hold yourself to is finding the person who makes you happiest. If you can find that, you're doing better than most of us.
You make everything sound beautiful and tragic at the same time. Amazing work. Especially your first two stanzas. -
Age doesn't make a fuck bit of difference darling. And good for you for aknowledging that. True to yourself and everyone else around you... it also makes for damn good poetry as well!
Your ending is perfection for this piece!
Take care!
~Natasha Mae
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