The black of the ocean strokes my heart,
With the sore thoughts I was assured have left...
Memories of crossroads where travels start,
Survive even when discarded with detest.
I look through the tears welled up in my eyes,
Towards the horizon that's far away,
Where the sleeping ocean meets the blue skies,
Where the childlike clouds come to dance and play.
I stand marooned, with memories alive,
This soft touch of my past gives such pain,
The scars of 'loss' remain, lest I revive...
Make me despise every day mundane.
But alas! I and my past will be one,
In the race of life, fate, you cant outrun!
Author notes
This my second try at a sonnet (English Sonnet), help me make it better!
the inspiration comes from the prompt
"All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams."
~Elias Canetti
and also the pic, from google images.
thanks,
love,
-pranj
A contest entry
- A little of everything. Can you write magic from it? by xbonniemichellex.
450 points, ended September 5, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
ALL CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS WELCOME!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Very nicely written. I like the phrasing where sleeping oceans...
That's very good expression. Good luck in the contest.
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Feeling alone yet at peace with it... a content, soothing feeling in your words son. It takes me there. Excellent. BLessings.
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Fantastic write! This is one of my favorites...it is perfect with the flow, details and emotions. And I absolutly love the picture too. Amazing job, pranj!
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Nice write here. I love the picture you used, and the piece has a nice feel to it.
If you are going for a traditional English Sonnet, you may want to try to polish up the iambic pentameter here.
For the first line maybe try:
"The black of ocean strokes my broken heart"
("Broken" is pretty cliche and probably not what you are looking for, but the meter would them be correct, and that is really what I wanted to illustrate.)
Good luck with this!!
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thanks a million, I was asking for such help. I am a beginner in form poetry and poetry in general, such advice is always looked forward to!
thanks,
-pranj -
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My pleasure.
Iambic pentameter has 10 syllables per line with unstressed/stressed rhythm.
I'll try to illustrate by taking what you have, and then offering a thought. (Capitalizes syllables read as stressed)
The BLACK of the OCEan STROKES my HEART, (9 syllable)
With the SORE THOUGHTS I was asSURED have LEFT... (10 syllables)
MEMoRIES of CROSSroads where TRAvels START, (10 syllables)
SurVIVE EVen WHEN disCARDed with deTEST. (11 syllables.)
Here is an idea of how you might make it 10 syllables a line with proper meter all the way through. You may not like the wording and it may not capture the ideas you are looking to, but I figured I'd give an idea so you can see what it looks like. I also changed the second line so that it rhymes better.
The BLACK of OCEan STROKES my ACHing HEART
reCALLS those PAINful THOUGHTS I'd PUT to REST
The MEMoRIES of FORKS where TRAVels START
SurVIVE alTHOUGH disCARDed WITH deTEST
Hope this helps!!! -
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this will certainly help....wonderful thanks...!!!!!
hmm...i will have to give this a thought!
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Some thoughts are stubborn impulses that refuse to be discarded. Time is a poor attribute at attempts to prevent them from spontaneously resurfacing. It leaves us to face them and process them, though I am well aware of the fact that some of these thoughts are to horrid to deal with on a voluntary basis. Thanks for creating and sharing and the best of luck in the contest. Take care.
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thanks, thanks a lot!!
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"But alas! I and my past will be one,
In the race of life, fate, you cant outrun!"
Favorite part!!!
Great job and good luck! -
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thanks for the comment!
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