I don't (want to) need you

I miss your presence, damn it I feel like I NEED you
And that scares me to death.



When did you become so significant to me? There’s just this overwhelming impulse inside of me waiting to explode. I want to SCREAM at you! I want to tell you every little thing that's muddling up my head. But it's not your fault. So doing that wouldn't be fair – you might do what I want you to do...


...you might leave me.
                             
                              And that scares me to death.



Darling you are not the moon, you are barley a star, and I couldn't think of anything funnier than someone comparing you to the sun. You may be a tiny shell amongst others more beautiful and mesmerising. But I would venture through every sea and shift every grain of sand until I found it. Because I am the crab and no other shell fits me the way you do.



        And my God, that scares me to death.



And why are you always so happy?! Its as if you are invincible against emotional imbalance. The only thing that made you scrunch up your face and clench your teeth were your ever-present migraines and football injuries. Even when your parents fought you never wore your heart on your sleeve. YOU NEVER NEEDED ME.



For two years you were the quiddty of my dreams. Various scenarios of your death were created when my mind was bored because my body needed recharging. This was a sign that I CARED.


And fuck. That scared me too.


Because if you woke up one day and you DID NEED ME, my mothers verbal boundaries and scheduled commitments would be enough to keep me away.


And I would sit in a corner needing you. Silent tears, unspoken desperation and injections of guilt dominated 'what if's...'



I wish I wasn't afraid of loving you.