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A Bumb??

I'll sit here awhile in the shade
How the sun is bright today
I can't wait for it to fade away
Today is just another day

What day is it sir?
As he walks away
Do you have the time Mame?
She just smiles of course she will not lend me a hand

Can you spare a dime?-- a nickel?
That will be fine
Eventually I'll have enough to get some wine

Maybe if I pretend to be blind
People would be more kind
For I'm sure it is in there design

It is in mine
Boy!-I wish I had some wine

Someone stole my coat yesterday
God- it was like ice last night

As I bite the stale bread that a kind lady dropped here ware I bed
I certainly hope--I am not dead
For if this is death
Why is it so hard to catch my breath

I make an oath to myself
On the twelfth--I'll get an elf--to help me build a shelf
Here by the drugstore
Things are becoming quite a bore
I suppose I'll move near another store

People today just seem to get in the way
They know my face
And probably think I'm such a waste
But oh--If they could only taste the joy of being a waste

They have more money today
They can't just throw it away
Give to me--For I represent you
Don't try so hard to look the other way
I'm here everyday

I watch all of you pace my way
Some of you give to my behalf
Most of you just walk along and laugh
But none of you stay
What I really want from you is not to walk away

Please don't find it so hard to look upon the way I am
Am I not a man?
Though I may stand alone
I to must build myself a thrown
I walk among all of you
But yet I am so unknown

Help me build my thrown!
Your welcome to come along
For perhaps you are the one's who are wrong

You are upset that I do not follow none of thee
Why should I ?
You do not follow me
Will not one of you set me free?

All I need is one more dime
Please sir?--Thank you
You are so very kind

Now I can go get that bottle of wine-----

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Kathraina silver member
    September 27

    Edit | Reply
    good job with this write, i like the awkward flow of this piece!
    its witty and creative. great imagery here as well!

    bravo and thank you for entering



    ♥ kate


  • Samyuktha P.C.
    September 13
    Edit | Reply
    Never rhyme in halves through your poem, unless it helps the meter. The beat of a poem is very important in performance poetry. It does not have to rhyme, but if you choose to you have to be very careful.
    I suggest you work on the meter a tad more. Also, run a spell check
    As for the story, I still think it is lovely. But, I am going to push you to edit it thoroughly.

  • poets whisper silver member
    September 12

    Edit | Reply
    people avoid eye contact don't they? No one wants to lend you a dime if they think you might use it for recreation LOL. In this economy I guess we're holding on to every penny. Nice job with the write and thank you for entering the contest.


  • emma...
    September 7
    Edit | Reply
    hey :] sorry, but since you still haven't put your username in the AN, i'm going to have to DQ you. thanks for entering.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    This started out very good but the further you got into it the more the rhyme became forced and it began to rant and I got confused. I like the idea, its just too wordy and repetitive, cut it down, use more powerful words, metaphor, description, this has potential it just seems to need work. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • Blue-Rose Beauty gold member
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    This started out good, the thing about the sun was brilliant. It got a little confusing and it got a little long in the end, but this was a great write and I enjoyed reading the story part of it. The rhymes in this poem didn't seem forced and were fun to read.

    Thanks for entering.

  • emma...
    August 29

    Edit | Reply
    I need your user name in the author's notes, and a link to your other entry, or else I can't judge you properly. Please do that as soon as possible.
    Thanks for entering the contest


  • crivanea silver member
    August 27

    Edit | Reply
    a fun pace you set this poem..well written too..words that are commonly used and easy to understand..you created a poem full of life meaning..well done


  • Tqop
    August 25

    Edit | Reply

    Good

    So, my impression is that in this poem you are homeless and want some wine. Most homeless people may act like that, and some honestly need food. I loved your perspective on this issue. Great job!

    FavoriteSeason

  • Samyuktha P.C.
    August 23

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely! Simple, lucid - great work. Thank you for submitting it for this contest. I enjoyed it and can almost envision how the performance. Best of luck

  • roland halloway
    August 23
    Edit | Reply

    I always---

    felt this begged to be read aloud-----

1 - 11 of 11