hang onto this

it is morning and my brain still goes strange places. i will do what i have to do to survive. the sun came up after all. the sun came up. but it cannot chase away all the monsters, some live inside me. i don't know what i'm doing here. hanging on for the sake of hanging on. what else can you do? this is a test. somehow, something, answer unknown, question unknown. i am still here. i am still hanging on. what am i hanging onto? do you see it? it is like glass or gossamer. hang onto sanity until my fingers bleed. hang onto this life until - until- i don't know. i saw so many pretty wildflowers. but they're all so far away. where am i going? what is happening? is it some kind of test? i don't know. i don't know.  i don't even know what it is i don't know. method unknown, madness unknown. side effects still unknown. do i dare to eat a peach? i do not think that they will sing to me. i cannot bear to write in my paper journal. do i dare? and do i dare? is it safe to look into the face of the sky, all lit? the sun came up for a reason, didn't it? can i trust it? can i trust anything? i know i can trust you. that's all that matters. i know i love you. that's all that matters. the rest, i don't know. i don't know. i will do what i have to. i will not kid myself. i will take what life hands me. or i won't. either way. i am hanging onto hanging on. a vicious, rabid circle. don't get too close. do not look it in the eye or you'll be hypnotized by infinity. seizures from trying to wrap your eyes, your brain around it. what price bananas? are you my angel? moon moon moon, what will you tell me... what will you tell me when the time is right?... i can only wonder for now. i can't decide until i know. i don't want to know, i don't want to decide, but i must hang on. what else is there to do? what else is there? only behind this. only the eternal mystery. only gods and monsters. only uncertainty. only nothing. only everything. what can i do in the face of the eternal clock? the endless machine? keep doing as i have always done. i was put here for a reason, wasn't i? or i wasn't. either way. i don't know. i have never known much. i will send it back if i must, if it comes, if there is something there. most likely nothing. most likely everything. most likely uncertainty. and that's all there is, really. hang onto this until your fingers bleed. what else is there to do?