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Another June Romance

When once upon a midnight moon
while crickets in their nests were chirping,
I found myself in love with June,
both wanting virtue and besmirching.

Those argent rays cast lightly down
across the silk her breasts caressed,
and trembling tresses from her crown
cascaded down, not kept suppressed.

I knew she was my cup of tea~
the kind that freely floats above
while deep draughts drank of my Marie;
and thus I spoke to June of love.

I thought I’d win her as my treasure;
I found instead she took my measure.

Author notes

For Sir Cricket. Congratulations on your 200th Gold trophy, Jeff!

2009 August 22

In a list

A contest entry

Thank you for reading. Critical commentary welcome and appreciated.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 21 of 21
  • Topnotchsy
    October 9
    Edit | Reply
    Fun piece here. Nice write!!


  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely sonnet here but I must point out my sort of cricket never chirps

    All the best in the contest and thanks for the entry

    Jeff


  • tawk gold member
    September 4

    Edit | Reply

    "Weekend Hugs"

    Thanks for the morning laugh nice way to start off my day. Wonderful humor and imagery within your amazing poem! I so enjoyed reading, have a wonderful and blessed weekend.

    Here is a form me to you!

    Theresa


  • Wickedruby1 gold member
    September 2

    Edit | Reply

    Very good

    Love this piece,taking a poke of fun at ones self is a good cleansing thing,it makes you see your self as others do, and gain even more respect from your peers.


  • sinfull
    August 30

    Edit | Reply

    interesting meter

    I like that first stanza meter count..it works well. End rhymes don't sound forced ...very nice pen. Some good poetical phrasing in this one. nice!

  • celadia
    August 24

    Edit | Reply
    Not a word out of place in this poem, lovely, lilting and a great poem for Jeff, you both are rare talents, keep writing, and good luck in the contest, I think you have a winner here.

    • BearWoman gold member
      August 24
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much. I tried to give him a little bit of everything I know he likes, including humor. I do think I may have a shot at a cup of some kind. I hope, anyway...


  • geckogirl silver member
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    congrats BearMum, a funny piece, really enjoyed the homour in this one. good luck


  • wbiro gold member
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    hmmm... sounds like something else that we don't know about Sir Jeff...

    • BearWoman gold member
      August 23
      Edit | Reply
      I am in no way trying to imply Sir Jeff is inconstant. I do hope to make him laugh, however.

      Thanks for the read, the comment, and the applause.


  • Nickelspring gold member
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    Oh I love this, sweetie! Its very playful and cute Fabulous meter and rhyme.
    Great English Sonnet
    Best wishes in the contest,
    Kris

  • Bad Bill
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    This has a delightfully playful quality and is very well-structured and phrased. I think Ecrivain's corect about the typo - it should be either "she took" or "she'd taken" for correct grammar, but of course metric considerations might exclude "taken."

    A minor point, though - the poem is excellent.

    Bill

    • BearWoman gold member
      August 22
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much, Bill. I agree on the typo. I had left it, thinking "poetic license," and hadn't gotten back to seeing it more critically to find if there were a more grammatically correct way to phrase it within meter. Sometimes I need a "mellowing" period before my eyes will look at a write freshly. I might have let this one set for a bit and then edited it before submitting it. However, I wanted to make it into the contest before all the slots were taken!

      Thank you for the read and for your feedback.

  • ecrivain01
    August 22

    Edit | Reply

    Very nice ...

    and very nicely done. You have a typo: (she'd should be "she" in the last line).

    Otherwise, this is well done and done well. I'm sure Jeff will like it.


    • BearWoman gold member
      August 22
      Edit | Reply
      Oop! Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without other eyes and minds to look over my work.

1 - 21 of 21