Heartbent and Broken.

I broke your heart.



But you broke mine with the lying and word twisting and bending
and pacification. And I am not a child to be coddled and swindled
and caressed into sleep with lullabies of gun shots and baby cries
and bloody lungs defying the eye to make you think we're all blood
stained butterflies with wings to carry us into the clouds when all
that would happen if we tried is a we would crash to the earth and
pound our fists against the unrelenting ground and scream towards
the heavens "I don't believe you exist anymore". I know I sure don't.



Because believing in the heavens is like believing in fairy wings
and pixie dust. Sometimes you want to believe it, you want to
believe that you don't have to be in control, that once in a while
you can break down because someone else is there to take over
while you nap, because if you can just close your eyes for five
minutes, then the world might not be so scary. Maybe when you
wake up, you'll find that you can handle it again and the feeling
that you couldn't was only an illusion. or maybe, if you can just
close your eyes, you can pretend that the world doesn't exist.



and this is nothing but a bad dream, and one day you'll be able
to wake up without feeling the dread creeping into your bones
like a mercury injection, nor the frosty touch of doubt creeping
into your veins and freezing the blood into icy chips that make
breathing more difficult with every pulse of the blackening heart.
the heart doesn't work quite the same after heart ache, and with
every earth shattering disappointment, it struggles to keep its
pace. because you may think this is all on me, that I made the
final decision to walk away with my pride and hope shattering in
pieces behind me, clattering on the ground like shards of broken
glass. but you pushed me, you pushed me until I met the wall
and still you pushed, and you pushed, and you did it with a smile.



You let me believe. But I let you let me.


Disguised with cheerful eyes and meditation exercises, you use
them as a guise. Your calm facade is just that: a facade, a false
face, a lie. You lied to me, with every "okay darling" and every
"whatever you want", you lied to me, because you never meant
"okay". You meant "whatever". And when you said "whatever you
want" you meant "whatever I need to say to make you lay off",
because you could never just say what you meant. And through
all of that, I believed you because it sounded so sweet. And you
made me happy, and you made me feel loved, and wanted, but
it was a lie, and you don't just recover from that. It hurts, and
it leaves a scar, because I fell so hard with no one to catch me.



You promised you'd always be there, that I could call you when
ever I needed to talk, and that you would call me. You'd let me
see you for who you really are, and one day we would meet and
we would have dinner, and watch movies, and treat ourselves
to the everyday average cliche, but perfectly perfect night just
for us, a chance to be happy, and most importantly, to be yours.
But those were just empty promises meant to keep me smiling,
so that you would never be forced to confront reality, and yet
you dare say you're not a coward. The sound of your name has
become unbearable; I have to block it out, to spare my sanity.



I hope you're happy, living your life in the sunshine that never
seems to dim, deluding you into believing your life is heaven
while the ultraviolet slowly burns you alive from the outside.
I hope one day you realize that some of the fault lies on you,
before another girl has to cry herself to sleep, clinging to the
headset as her friend whispers sweet reassurances to her in
hopes that they will be enough to give her sweet dreams till
morning. And if another girl cries, I hope that she's strong.
Stronger than me, who wasn't strong enough to smile every
day while my heart still hurt, who for the first time, couldn't
imagine just being friends, although that is what we were
for five years. And I'm sorry we had to lose a friendship that
I thought wonderful, but I still wonder if that, too, was a lie.



You broke my heart.