A flower to replace the one I had lost
like that chance I had
when our hearts crossed.
I held it to my heart with a sanguine dove
above two lovers
who never could love.
A contest entry
- Rhyme Only: Quote Prompt by Frodofan.
700 points, ended September 7, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Does it get the point across?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I was a little confused about this part, "above two lovers." Are you holding the two things above you and your would be lover metaphorically? Because if you are holding it to your heart, it wouldn't be above you literally. Or are you holding it above two different people that are lower than you?
I like that shortness of it. It works well in the form you have here. That one part just seems a little vague. Thanks for entering. -
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the line "above two lovers" is about the dove been above the two lovers, flying. Theres a lot of personal reflection and stuff in that line, so Im not suprised it didnt work as well as the rest.
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I like this simple piece it is not always necessary to clutter the page with words to produce a good poem sometimes less is best
I wonder about changing the two words never could around to read
Who could never love
What do you think?
Good luck in the contest
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I like the idea, and belive me, when I was writing it out myself I thought about that format. But for some reason it didnt sound right to me, the rythem seemed to be thrown off. And I think it is just me who will see that, but for that reason alone I cant change it. I guess, I cant really explain my reasoning other than that.
That said however, thank you very much for the comment, and the wish of luck. -
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No problem i always say that the poet should stick with what they think is right.It was after all just an idea as for the comment you are more than welcome If i did not like it i would not have commented
Good luck in the contest
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