It's cold, i can see my breath as i cough then quickly cover my mouth before Annie could hear me, the room was small, Bethany, my room mate called it a tuna can, small and smelly.
It was small, but it didn't smell, it reminded me of home, the smell of moist tears and sorrow...
Lots of sorrow.
Chapter One.
It didn't take me long to figure out Annie's rounds, or the sound her flip-flops made as they came closer and closer to the door, it would start a small sound of the shoe hitting the wooden floor and then get louder as she stopped to check inside, make sure we were asleep and breathing.
She reminded me of a mother, not my mother but one that cared, that always checked to make sure you ate your dinner and walked by your room just to see if you were breathing.
Then i remember this is her job, shes paid to be here and doesn't really care, just like everyone else.
I turned after i heard her shoes become a faint sound again, i could feel my warm flesh touching the cold sheets, regretting the move as i shivered and cold breath escaped my lungs.
It was always cold here, i think that has something to do with us needing to feel alive, its hard to feel numb when its so cold you have to feel, thats what it is all about here, feeling alive and happy. It never happened like that though, so i try and sleep, its all i can do to get away..
I close my eyes, and count my breaths one at a time, trying to make it sound like i was already asleep in case Annie though she needed to make more rounds.
One at a time, inhale exhale, inhale exhale.
Until i can feel Annie's cold hands shaking me, thats how i knew that she knew.
It was only hard to wake me up when i broke a code level as they would call it, saying that i cut myself was to harsh so they say "You broke a code level.."
"Ally.. Ally baby wake up its rise time sweetie?" She lifted my head and pulled my out of the bed, "Rise time sweetie, rise time. We need to start the day, you have group today remember" Annie's voice was sweet and tender, like a mother, Annie was my mother here, thats how i see it at least.
Bethany stared at me, those cold eyes. She wasn't angry, no, she was jealous, that i found something to cut with and she didn't.
Thats how it was here at Love Oaks teen reabilitation center, also known as the crazy house for cutters, bulimics, pot heads, and burners.
Its fend for yourself, you find a lighter you don't dare let someone else see it, it's yours to use, you find a paper clip, thats yours to bleed with.
I get out of bed and stand as Annie hands me and Bethany our new set of clothes, jeans with no zippers and a t-shirt of our own from our bags.
We get dressed and head to the room for group therapy.
Theres 8 seats, Sara, Megan, and Jenna are the bulimics, Sara looks like she could be 9 years old, her last weigh in was 76 pounds, Sara's been here 5 months so far and only gained 10 pounds.
Christopher and Jacob are the druggies, there brothers according to them, not birth, drug brothers.
Then theres Bethany, Jared, and me.
The cutter's, we survive by bleeding, Jared's new, he got here last week and refuses to sit in the circle...
I sit down, between a open chair and Sara who hums old rock songs so that Liam, the councilor wont ask her to talk, but he does anyways, so she just hums, while pulling loose hairs off her head that are falling out from the purging.
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