Dreams yielded to a bend I cannot comprehend
Standing stagnant, can’t move on, can’t stay here
Self-destruction is an easy win
Trying hard to begin seems just like another end
To a beginning I cannot begin.
When will the arc peak?
When will there be a moment of peace?
A mind thirsty but cannot find the will to drink,
I cannot painstakingly exist, but the river floods me
And the moon pulls me in
as the world moves on.
One’s company I even want to flee
And it’s exhausting when I’m even stuck with me.
I want a moment to dwell
But after a second I yearn for it to expel,
Become free of anything that restrains
And in the end you’re a prisoner
Left twisted and muted in chains,
Mouth stapled but brain battered in your remains.
Written on August 20, 2009 @ 4:10 a.m.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Interesting, if unclear.
The start of this piece was good, but then I feel you overused the word "begin" - maybe try replacing this with something so you don't lose the flow. I think the form you used in your first verse would have been nice to re-use at the end. You have some nice metaphors but you're using them a bit too much, try to clear up the meaning a little so it's easier for the reader to follow.
It also feels a bit like you're not really sure how to approach this, parts seem to follow different rhyming forms and others feel like it's a freeform piece. Perhaps you should try taking some of these ideas and rework them either as a purely freeform piece or as something with a defined structure.
If you would like to keep to using metaphor within the poem itself it can help the reader understand and relate to the metaphors with a short comment about the piece in your author's notes - try not to leave everything open to interpretation, sometimes as a reader it can leave you a little confused as to the subject of your poem.
I hope you don't find this offensive, I've tried to be as constructive as possible as requested and would love to see what you come up with if you rework this piece.
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a little shaky
the begining has a good idea. But you need to straighten it out. I understand what ur trying to do with looping the begining back to the end. But it is fragmented and could be clearer. You could also repeat it at the end bringing it full circle.just a thought.
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I got a bit mixed up by the switching from first to second person..."you" here, yet "I/me" there. Are the you and me the same or different? Or what?
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I liked this very much as I too feel overwhelmed with defeat during a moment in my life
I really connected with the words written, "A mind thirsty but cannot find the will to drink. I cannot not painstakingly exist, the river floods me. the moon pulls me in as the world moves on." I, too, have felt like this during a moment in my life. I really related to this piece, welll done. I liked the occasional rhyme too.
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well done
Flows well. Good rhythm. I like the occasional rhyme. As one who suffers occasional depression, this really connected with me. Only suggestion I have is at the end you shift person from I/me to you/your. Keep it in the first person.
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Relatively painful
You're not fighting the Taliban in Helmand! When I am a bit down, I try to think of the things I can do, noot the things I cannot
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