He fed off the coming of my culmination
solicitously,
released to the intensity of heartbeats
in asphyxiated gasps;
with the slip of satiated smiles
between my thighs.
The scent of sex
on his breath
coiled any cilia of composure
He tasted of sin
and I was hell bent
on giving in;
tongues pressed
to the inside of my cheek.
I rolled,
coveting in pastures
that were not even
my own.
and he whispered-
"let me take you
-higher-"
as fingertips drifted
like glitter
on divulged flesh.
I shimmered
in the lustrous swell
of his forbidden eyes.
His arms-
rouged me sub-rosa
in the avidity of taboo tinctures.
His breath rushed
against drunken centers;
I shot the moon,
to crash and burn.
Without a detox
to curb the hangover
of his liquored lips.
The emptiness of coffee cups,
and the swell of tears,
forced me to the blare of daylight-
I gushed
and washed him out
upon realizing
without the siren spells
of Sin city,
his glitter would never
hold me
enraptured......
Author notes
Limelight
Vodka
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Top 24 Final Audition (Group A) by traffic light.
625 points, ended August 24, 2009, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I would love a critical comment on how I can make these lyrics better.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 14/15
Cohesion/focus: 13/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 12/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 12/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 13/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 8/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 8/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 175
Laura.
-
Tied one on; Tight
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 13/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
Cohesion/focus: 13/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 12/15
impact/reaction: 12/15
Mechanics: 13/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 9/10
Diction/verbiage: 8/10
Syntax: 8/10
Title: 7/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 170
I thought that there were a lot of overused concepts in this, in other words it seemed very cliche (but to declare something as "cliche" feels cliche all on its own). What I mean by overused is that many of the phrases/figures of speech I found are commonly used sayings without much deviation. Also, I think there are a lot of big, complicated words where simpler ones would have sufficed.
I did like the structure and the flow of the write (except that the big words were distracting).
s and best wishes always...
~Genie~ -
Liz's Rubric
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 9/10
Total: 190
I think you used bulky words where simplier ones would have been better. I love unusual language but thought it was a little overdone here. -
I found this as a poem to be somewhat weak in its presentation I guess. The form, line breaks, and format you have this in causes the flow to be altered and appear alien. There are many cliche elements to this, but you less one, I think might be your reference to glittered and how your body sparkled beneath his hands.
That, was a gorgeous stanza, and your most powerful one.
Never hesitate to ask for help. I would be happy to point out errors, etc.
Good luck, Amy! -
171
Originality: 12/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 12/15
Line breaks/structure: 12/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 12/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 9/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 8/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 171
There were some problems with the syntax (you had some fragments). When you first showed me this, I honestly thought it was an utterly cliche disaster; but you took my criticism and used it to your advantage; and now you have yourself a pretty good poem. Overall, it could use a little more tweaks here and there, but you have shown a lot of personality in the poem itself...and it's strong.
-
I know nothing of lyrics, so can't be helpful there. I love the imagery, the feel you have created. This is very sensual and kind of melancholic.
Nicely done~
Best wishes,
K
-
You have an amazing word choice in this. It's very tangible.
I especially like
"as fingertips drifted
like glitter
on divulged flesh"
that really stood out to me, and the ending was very strong too.
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