looking

look at the
          sparkling blue world
my life belongs too.
          the silent dream that flows from my mouth
gushing like rain and fire combined
            my magic dream broken into little water color pieces
swirling in stationary patterns
            concealed by blinding blue skies.

I lost you.

I've lost so many, after grasping, pushing, holding and praying for different things.
I've lost those who were
                never
                          supposed
                                            to
                                                    go
those
        who
                  I
                      needed
                                    to
                                          leave
                                                          and

                                                                    those
                                                                    who
                                                                        I
                                                                    loved
                                                                  but hated.

unlike
those I know I don't have a "bfl" who holds that part of my heart...
                                                                                                    ...it passes from hand to hand like a disease, revealing parts of me that slowly get lost with each passing touch...
    ...punch...
              ...carress

I have an /a.n/g.e/l.

but when I look back at my blood stained past, and see that .nothing. has lasted
                                                                                            .....I get scared.
thoughtsjumbleupinmyhead..
                                                    ..my.heart.constricts.into.a.knot
dreams
                          seem
                                              so
                          far
away


                      but I know.
there's always new opportunities.
                              new chances for the pillow.throwing
                                                                                        bestfriendsforlife
                                                                                                                  .equal.
Friendship.
I know I'll find it..
                        ..I just have to seek

and I know I'll see...
                                                                                  ...what I was truly meant to have

and what I really want to be

                                    Maybe my best friend will appear in one of those
                              'SheWasAlwaysThereButNeverBecameImportantTillNow'
                                                                  moments.
Maybe it's who I least suspected to pull on my heartstrings, someone who understands my stupid habits but embraces them with acceptance and understanding instead of the mild toleration most people have.
                                                          .I am the luckiest girl in the world, but even she must long for something.
      something besides
the dazzling technicolor I live in
with it's flowing flashes of pure light and nothingness, smothering me in love
                                                          light
                  and air with a chokehold of sweet freedom, untouched by
                                years
                                              of
                                                      neglect.
will she be drawn by the new dreams I cannot have?
The very moments of flight where the sky meets only stars and the moon shines like a beacon, waiting for me to release it from it's constant orbit
to change what it cannot.

Will she be my Free Spirit?
a soul that flies from dream to dream, lifting your spirits from the background while her happiness bubbles like water and cleanses those who long for just a taste of freedom, just an inkling of the love I have.

                                          Will she be my Anchor?
keeping me tied to what should be there with ropes of love and admiration? stopping me from becoming lost in a world of lazy ideas and unstable lusts with reminders of who I am and who I will always need.
                                                                                    Will she be my Colors?
a constant thread of joy in my already richly hued tapestry? the woven golds of strong ideas and bravery blending with the eternal mauves of her sakki'r'ashe dreams.


My tapestry holds the ever present scarlet plumes of the love I will forever hold for my eternal light, mon bel ange de la vie,
Daniel.
who also represents the white of purity
The firey red of lust
The blinding rainbow of my lifeline
slipping through layers of deeply woven thought
he is the moral fibre of who I am destined to be.
                                  He is the ever moving pulse of my life, pumping bright hues through my thick, sluggish bloodstream.

but there is always the haunting bright sky blue that appears gray in all but one thought
the thought of the friend who stands with, and for me, who is my equal
.not perfect.
                                                    .I already hold perfect in my arms.
but someone who knows who I am without question, who can read me with precision but who never judges
or predicts my actions
my thoughts
my world.

                                                                see how impossible these things are to ask?
see how contradictory this is?
                                                                  but the world tells me she is out there...

So I guess I will keep
                                Looking..