i sense thunder-
your face smiles the smile of
hidden agenda,
your lips run under your tongue,
flicker across my thighs.
spread me, ravage me
and taste the flesh that
makes me whole,
the string and sinew
of crane-necked woman.
sex drips like a ghost
into my ears
whispers me secrets about
what i've been dreaming
and trickles out through
my panting sighs
falling across you like
gasps of prayer;
sex is
a realization of death
a primal grasping
of as much life as possible
before we are consumed by hell
so we hang on
threading ourselves into knots
and self-indulgence,
fucking away the pain
of dying slowly.
Author notes
this is for him.
A contest entry
- un chien andalou by divebar.
2000 points, ended August 31, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - favorites only! prewrites i haven't commented on. by sideways hourglass.
650 points, ended August 20, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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It's no surprise this piece won not just one, but two gold trophies. Incredible work yet again.
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I liked the final stanza (even though punctuation was totally absent):
"so we hang on
threading ourselves into knots
and self-indulgence,
fucking away the pain
of dying slowly"
I always approve of people who use the F word in a descriptive and meaningful way. I f*cking do., I really do.
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of crane-necked woman.
i love that phrase.
sex drips like a ghost
that as well.
sex is
a realization of death
a primal grasping
of as much life as possible
and that
and fantastic ending, btw.
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looks like youre about to be double-golded
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I liked this a lot, but a couple of lines were a bit...ouch. Like little bits of gravel in a cake, if you'll pardon food related talk (its been a long time since breakfast).
"Spread me, ravage me, taste the flesh that makes me whole" is the first. It makes me think of those tacky erotica poems people write on here and this is not one of them. Definitely not, so its a bit 'ick' to have that line in there. Especially the word flesh. And I agree with the person below me who says its the least original line in the piece.
The third and fourth stanzas were glorious. Especially the fourth, which made the poem for me, the whole idea of gasped breathing and prayer is...oooh, so good.
The whole fifth stanza is a little weaker, it took me a while to work out why, but I think its because its too literal, you've said exactly what you mean rather than implying, like you do so well for the rest of the poem. Not sure, it could just be that 'consumed by hell' sounds a little emo and cringe-y. I know thats not a word, sorry about that
The last stanza is nice, and a fitting ending.
Sorry, it really looks like I've picked on a lot, but I tend to do that with poems I think are good. This is good.
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I am sorry. I forgot these.
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"The flesh that makes me whole."
The line was good but its placement, its word play, its existence at that poem throws me off the flow. I think its the "makes me whole" cliche, that makes me cringe.
"The flesh that ensure my existence/
that recalls existence/
that is your own..."
Sometimes of your stunning originality.
Just suggestions.
The rest of it is truth and quick. Congratulations on your gold! -
Fan-freaking-tastic!
I think it ended for me at the 4th stanza though and the last 2 could start a new poem...just my opinion...but still WOW!!!!
Smokin!!!
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sizzely sizzely
You are such a uniquely beautiful young girl and your smile must be a splendor that is out of this world. so be happy and keep writing your hot poetry if that is what makes you happy. Remember what Alan ginsberg said! "Never accept criticism from anyone unless they've produced at least one notable work! I would give you a thousand stars butI only know how to click on the 3 smiley faces below. You are really something young lady. A truly unique person!
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thank you so much!
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Bookmarking this.
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....!
No comment. This speaks for itself.
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whoa. that was incredible!
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Fucking brilliant.
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