Everyday I wonder why I'm always so grounded. Never able to
fly high in the mood shifting sky or jump like Jordan just to
grab hold of an angel's wing.
Carry me away! Since I'm incapable of flying, floating,
levitatin', hoverin', glidin', and even drivin' maybe that
angel, some angel would be my hot-air balloon to harmony, my
elevator to cloud eleven. You see, cloud nine was too common
and crowded, ten was under electrical maintenance, and I
would've went to twelve but my fear of heights intervened.
And unfortunately that's my issue, too afraid to be so high,
so joyous. Consistently worry-wondering when these sugar
clouds would dissolve in this tea cup sky and allow gravity
to draft me back to war, for then I would be falling and my
Robyn wings are too immature to grasp these winds. Maybe my
halo wearing warrior would be there to rescue me from those
harsh air waves and unreliable clouds; reveal to me why
everyone just can't live in serenity, why rainbows like to go
up in the heavenly stratosphere and come right back down to
hell? ! . . .
That second question is rhetorical. I know that rainbows
weren't created for self-service, but to be my, your crayola
ray of hope in this black and white world.
Coloring this country, this earth jade. For money which grows
on trees, the misconstrued thought that it is life, sapphire
for the cloud's comets that approach earth's grounds like
innocent missiles. . .inspiring life instead of incinerating it.
Purple for the guilty pleasure, the twisted desire to beat
somebody's ass who just are incapable of sealing their lips
rather than mailing false letters about someone to nosy ears.
Color this country clear-crimson, for the mixture of blood,
sweat, and tears in pointless wars as well as personal ones.
Orange for the sunset! The time of the day to watch the sun
slumber while letting our eyedrops from its tragic beauty make
ripples in the rugged rivers, allowing our tears to be spring
water for hopeless sea creatures. Color this earth, bright
morning yellow. . .for the rooster awakening of pancake days to
come. . .
Indigo! The reset button on this Playstation. Coming into vision
only when a seventh crayon was needed to color over those
clear-crimson burdens of ours. Letting our rosebud mind blossom
in spring so Disney World memories will evaporate back into our
nectar. Nine-Eleven thoughts will no longer be our great
depression, our smoke screen but our awning, our umbrella for not
only rain, but gravity. . .
Did y'all understand the concept and meaning? Is the poem too long? Please still comment on everything else and what you feel about the poem as well. Thanx!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
I know what it is that has bugged me...
I know what it is that has bugged me...
The stanzas in your poetry.
I would understand this a lot better, as I think all of us would, if this was slightly more spaced out in sections.
Keep the lines shortened.
And a poem is never too long.
People are just too lazy to read.
~~~~ Khelo
& 
's
-
-
You are very right. People are extremely lazy and the last thing they want to do is read (including myself, LMAO). I try my best to not lengthen the poem no more than a page but the last two poems that you read would fall under the category of prose poetry, which is why they in particular are long, but I usually write quite short poems that are no more than a page and no less than a half of that. But you're right, time to get back to my roots. Sorry you didn't understand this piece.
-
-
overall, this is very good...an edit would be required to make your decriptions and imageries more concise, thus making your message clearer to your audience. i found this to be a bit too wordy in places, yet with a nip'n'tuck and a little word-economy...this could be polished into a great piece. you have some nice alliteration in there that really helps the flow - it's my favourite poetic device, so it pleased me greatly to see it used well.
laura.
-
-
Thanks so much for your honesty! It's funny that you would say something about editing this piece cause that's actually what I'm doing with this piece and all my poems which is why I haven't been very active on the site. But anyway I agree with everything you said! And alliteration is my favorite literature device too. Thanks so much for the comment and I most definitely will return the favor.
-
-
Fantastic
I loved this poem I mean the words just moved me. The vivid colors you used were so wonderful I could just picture them. What a wonderful Poem!
-
-
Thanks a lot! Glad u can feel and relate to this piece. And can even see my imagery!!!! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing my poem. Your words are valued and too kind. I'll be sure to return the favor.
-
-
Remaining Grounded Is Not Always Safe
Beyond the wild blue yonder is where you have taken me, on a journey within your mind....I am seeing your imagery, metaphoric-ly speaking out loud. The most part is not how simple it may seem to you or others...it pulled me in; I read it twice! You touched on life,man, political VIEWS INDIRECTLY......this is a very vivid piece if the readers allow themselves to venture with you. My imgery ran wild....it was like being above the earth looking down on all of its problems, and seeking a way to solve them........thank for sharing this tiny masterpiece....I want to read more.....novy
-
-
Oh I totally agree that remaining grounded is not always safe. LOL! Sometimes I levitate but only for a milisecond and a cenimeter away frm the ground. LOL! But anyhew thank u very very very VERY much for such an honest and eye-opening review. I am so happy to see that someone is getting my points, my words, my imagery and how I choreograph them even if they have to read them twice. LOL! Atleast they get it, understand it, relate to it, and love it. And for you, for such a poet of your magnitude, to express that is humbling and fulfilling to me. Thank you!
-
-
Wow, I found this be quite powerful actually. There is such clarity in the way you describe things...and the fact that you can do that while writing metaphorically is a great skill to have.
----
Criticism:
"teacup sky" - not that good of an image. it was just imagery for the sake of imagery.
"sugar clouds" - it's pretty, but...corny.
I wasn't a fan of the color "crimson" because it is used so much in emo poetry. I am aware that this is definitely not emo...that is why I didn't particularly like the color. It carries a negative connotation nowadays.
----
I like that you use some images that relate to society today. You capture the culture of an American and typical teenage feelings - that even adults can relate to. There was so much detail in this - and there was so much emotion tucked in...you wrote this well.
I haven't read your stuff in a long time, but from what I've read of yours, this is probably my favorite.
-
-
I don't know what to say, you give brilliant constructive criticism. I completely agree with the sugar clouds and tea cup line of it being corny and all. But it was more so twisted words for the sake of twisted words it was not meant to be an image. But I do agree that regardless of which that line is still a bit corny. On the other hand I'm gonna have to defend the misunderstood crimson. LOL! Yes it is used a lot in emo poetry and other dark writes but I just think it's a fancy way of saying red even if there textures and tones are slightly different. LOL! I love crimson!!! LOL! To wrap up my reply I must say it is refreshing to know that this is the #1 fav of yours from me S.H. especially since I'm so insecure about this piece. Thanx for the comment and your honesty!!!
-
-
This is absolutely splendid!!!! Love you format, content, and metaphors you used in this 
I always enjoy reading you and can't wait to see what your going to come up with next 
You need to look for a contest for this piece 
My favorite line are as follows
some angel would be my hot-air
balloon to harmony, my elevator to cloud eleven. You see, cloud nine was
too common and crowded, ten was under electrical maintenance
Maybe my halo wearing warrior would be there to rescue me from
those harsh air waves and unreliable clouds; reveal to me why everyone
just can't live in serenity, why rainbows like to go up in the heavenly
stratosphere and come right back down to hell?
Letting our rosebud mind blossom in spring so Disney World memories
will evaporate back into our nectar. Nine-Eleven thoughts will no longer be
our great depression, our smoke screen but our awning, our umbrella for not
only rain, but gravity
Those are my favorite lines Keep penning and keep up the great work of art!
hotchocolate
-
-
I am so happy that you and A. Sunrise love this piece cause I really am insecure about it at times and other times I feel like it's the best. But I do in a way feel atleast a little understood around other artists (poets mainly) because I write complex poetry and I'm a complex person who puts their all in their work so when someone gets my words I feel atleast somewhat understood and that's so much better than feeling the polar complete opposite, so thank u!
-
-
Oh wow! This is awesome Robyn!
I love the imagery, the metaphors.... everything!
It could really be separated into two or three poems and expanded on... but it's wonderful the way it is!
Thanks for sharing!
-
-
Oh WOW! Thank you Auburn! I'm so relieved and happy that you liked this piece. Especially with this being one of the ones I'm extremely insecure about. And it's funny that you say that it could be divided up into different poems or what not because I was battling over it being two or three different parts or poems. But anyhew thank you so much I'm glad you liked it, I value your words!!! Thanx!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
