Forsaken mists that linger here
from ancient land the legend cries
no cleansing breeze will ever clear-
abiding saffron testifies.
From Echo's wounded bosom's prayer
of unrequited love that dies,
his pride laid low, and made to stare-
abiding saffron testifies.
Her voice is all that tarries now
remainder sole of passion's tries,
a mourning ring from mountain's brow
abiding saffron testifies.
His splendor lost in life far spent-
in gazing into mirrored eyes.
Of wasted grace, revenge has rent,
abiding saffron testifies.
Obsession dark will drain away
the precious time that quickly flies
and mists enshroud the death of day
abiding saffron testifies.
Author notes
Picture Credit: Narcissus by cryingsorceress
http://cryingsorceress.deviantart.com/art/Narcissus-39547080
Prompt 8: narcissus
You cannot use your selected prompt(s) in your entry.
There are various versions of the story of Echo and Narcissus- a brief selection is found here at Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Echo_(mythology)
Kyrielle: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/kyrielle.html
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Top 24 Final Audition (Group C) by sideways hourglass.
625 points, ended August 24, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments welcomed
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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I came back to this and I realize that I read "prayer" in the wrong context. Perhaps the back to back possessive nouns may have been a contributing factor to my ignorance.
Anyway, I am going to adjust the rubric, just to put it out there.
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Rubric Score 190
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 190
Laura.
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Thank you!
K
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All That Remains
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 9/10
Total: 192
You did a really great job and this write is a rather refreshing read and definately stands out from the competition as different.
I've been reading and writing in rhyme so long that the word "prayer" gains or loses a syllable with whatever meter it happens to be written in
Since your use of meter is excellent, I had no difficulty with deciding how to pronounce the word (as pronunciation makes a difference more often that people realize ).
s and best wishes...
~Genie~ -
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Thank you
I really appreciate your help with this one.
K
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It was a pleasure to read a French rhyming poem in this round.
Liz's Rubric
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 13/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 9/10
Total: 190
Unlike Tyler I read L 5 with prayer as a one syllable word so it worked for me. -
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Thank you
I didn't realize what type of contest this is...
It was fun to write to the prompt anyway. I will be doing a major revision later.
Kris
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Your use of the form was well done in this write. It took me to the fourth stanza to realize it. Your repetitive form was well chosen to help carry the strength of this poem. I have nothing to critique and nothing of substance to say.
Best of luck, Kris. -
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Thanks
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I don't really know much about this form of poetry, and I honestly only realized this was a type of form poem after I read Tyler's comment but I liked the rhyme in it.
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Glad you liked the rhyme~
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181
-Line 5 has nine syllables. A Kyrielle (even according to your source) must have only eight syllables.
From
ech
o's
wound
ed
bos
om's
pray
er
Other than that, I thought you executed the form well.
Also, in that line, I didn't particularly the use of possessive noun's back to back. It just didn't quite make much sense to me on the first read. I would suggest working on that line to have something more clear and accessible to the reader.
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 12/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 12/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 12/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 9/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 7/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 181
Usually, I don't particularly like repetitive forms, but when they are done well, such as what I see right here, they can be quite beautiful. I thought you created a strong line that worked well with the refrains. Not only did it redirect the focus into a pointed direction, but it also added more emotion to this - which is a very good thing because other than that...this didn't make me feel. . I wish there were more developed images to pick at. However with that set aside, what you have here was written well and I like where you went with the prompt. I honestly didn't expect something from Greek mythology...I would have expected some emo prose about how she liked this self-centered, conceited boy or something. Haha. Regardless of my criticism, you still did a very good job and it is refreshing to see someone write form in this competition. As I said in the audition round, it makes you stand out.
NOTE: my commentary about the "prayer" being two syllables...ignore it, because now I realize I had read it in a wrong context. Also, the score has been changed to a more accurate score (in my opinion) now.
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hmm... I don't think I've ever said the word prayer with two syllables, but I'll take your word for it.
" ...I would have expected some emo prose about how she liked this self-centered, conceited boy or something..." Well considering Im not a pining teen, Greek Mythology seemed logical to me.
Yes I suppose I do stand out...I didn't realize this was mostly for free verse.
Thank you for the helpful and constructive criticism, I will amend after the judging is complete and contest is over.
K~ -
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http://www.wordcalc.com/
According to this, it is two syllables. I always double-check with the counters incase I am wrong.
lol And it's great to have an adult in the competition. It's a new, more mature perspective. Last season, I think the The top 12 consisted of only teenagers.
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what a pretty poem and form. The single saffron with its bright colors to rectify the darkness.
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Thank you!!
K
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I like the picture, and your perspective on it I really like the second stanza as well. hmm, I just realized this is your entry into the final auditions. Now that I know your prompt, my perspective on the gazing into mirrored eyes is a bit different. At first I thought it was talking about staring into a lovers gaze, rather then yourself. lol. Best wishes in the final audtions!
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Yes, I hope that its not too cryptic that its about Narcissus and that Im talking about the yellow narcissus in the picture...
Anyway, I look forward to your entry
Thanks for your comment
K
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Oh, I had no idea that a flower was named a narcissus. I thought it was a daffidol, or an iris.
Well, I may let you down in that area.
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My dear poet this is an exquisite poem. With a few words you have again painted a most wonderful picture..Love every line.. Beautiful...
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I love the legend of Narcissus, when I saw it as one of the prompts I couldn't resist. It took some doing though not to use the word in the poem! Thank you sweetie
Kris
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Excellent!
Your soul is revealed, but not as one who wears your heart on your sleeve. This is a rare balance, and is truly the mark of an excellent poet! Very Best Wishes! edpeters
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Thank you!! I appreciate your intuitive comment
K
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This is absolutely beautiful! I love the flow and rhyme! Good Luck in the contest...it is Gold to me!
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Thank you!!
K
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