I had never seen
a schism personified
until I watched him
sweat
he spoke in crucifixions
with elegant nonchalance
and I could not help
but wonder how one
could be so
farsighted.
I often asked myself why
his tears were synonymous
with the squeal of tires
or why they always fell
in ambiguous patterns.
most brushed him off
like mosquitoes at dusk
or an illegal vagabond
clawing for pocket change
but he struck me
as newsworthy.
I last saw him
face up in a gutter
dripping with the stench
of obscure shortcomings
bottle pressing
against colorless lips
fingers numb and cold
like the whites of his
open eyes
but his smile curled
toward the horizon;
the city's blazing sunset
shining upon his
expressionless face
and I realized
he was at peace
for the first time.
Author notes
prompts: traffic, skyline, vodka.
In a list
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Top 24 Final Audition (Group A) by sideways hourglass.
625 points, ended August 24, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - this is what i sound like. by aanika.
3500 points, ended November 15, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
&;
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This one has the feeling and tonality of Sarah McLachlan's song, "Building a Mystery", which is still one of my favorite songs. It reminds me of my ex for various reasons. Not necessarily a good thing, that. 
Still, I was quite impressed with your imagery and eloquence in describing such a sad state of affairs. Indeed, why were their tears synonymous with the squeal of tires? Possibly because they were always searching for a quick escape. Thanks for steering me to this one, Poet. Congrats on the silver you earned so well. 
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this is really well done. i love your style so far.
this stanza is my favorite:
he spoke in crucifixions
with elegant nonchalance
and I could not help
but wonder how one
could be so
farsighted.
i'll have to read more.
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wow. you have such an amazing way with words.
im speechless. -
I had never seen
a schism personified
until I watched him
sweat
I don't even know what that means but it sounded so poetic and beautiful. I loved most all the stanzas! I'd like to list the stanzas one by one and write what I love about those, but I'd seem a bit obnoxious and a copy and paster glutton.
Great line and thanks for entering.
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wow... I loved this.
great use of words.
"but his smile curled
toward the horizon;
the city's blazing sunset
shining upon his
expressionless face"
Lovery imagery<3 -
Silver?
Again, Lady Starlight... you have managed to expend the minimum amount
of force to create the maximum impact for your audience. You are beyond
the bracket of typical poets... eloquence and flair of in yet another scintillating
specimen of poetic architecture.
"I often asked myself why
his tears were synonymous
with the squeal of tires
or why they always fell -------a suggestion; repectfully... " seemed to fall "
in ambiguous patterns."
...a temple, this stanza.
"but his smile curled
toward the horizon" ---striking visual here.
A highway into imagery... this write moves me, August.
The former I have read were much shorter...
...your quality does not diminish with quanitity.
I will be back, poet.
added to my list... I will anxiously await your next write, Starlight.
(bows out in a column of violent flame; grinning with the ruthless strings
of malice pulling at his parched, ashen lips)
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good
loevd this one a good flow and rhythm -
Wow
This is an extrordinary write. I loved the flow, structor, imagery, and ovewrall read. Great write, my favorite part is...
most brushed him off
like mosquitoes at dusk
or an illegal vagabond
clawing for pocket change
but he struck me
as newsworthy.
* * *
but his smile curled
toward the horizon;
the city's blazing sunset
shining upon his
expressionless face
and I realized
he was at peace
for the first time.
Again, great write
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Rubric score: 192
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 192
Laura.
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the observation
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 15/15
Mechanics: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 10/10
Total: 202 - X Factor
My comment would be longer if I had a solid critique to give but, as I said before, there's not a lot to critique here.
s ~Genie~
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Liz's Rubric
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 13/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
Total: 188 -
The last line carried the poem through full circle. The description of his was well written and I can picture his sweat weighing heavy on his upper lip and his movements to be slow and unhurried, almost in a lethargic way. It is a character I have personally know well and it is one I am glad is written better than most portray.
Best of luck in the contest, Jackie. -
200 - X Factor
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 10/10
Total: 200 - X Factor
I don't have any legitimate criticism. Just minor opinions on some things. This is so much better than your audition. I'm glad to see that you stepped it up. I thought that overall, this was quite solid and I actually want to read it again.
And I thought you characterized this man very well...it's a haunting story that captures a character that most people don't even acknowledge.
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This was great!! I love the ending and the description of his face~ so showing not telling
"dripping with the stench
of obscure shortcomings" fantastic!
Best wishes,
K
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Dude it's totally amazing, your writing always wows me.
You used schism!! I love that word
"his tears were synonymous
with the squeal of tires" I love those two lines. The imagery there is great.
And yet again I find myself wishing I could write like you xD This was amazing.
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I always have trouble spelling the word schism. I have to spell check it like everytime I write it.
And those lines you like, they took forever to get right.
I spent two hours on this.
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oh damnn. the imagery and storyline behind this is amazing!
I last saw him
face up in a gutter
dripping with the stench
of obscure shortcomings
---
I love that.
I thought the ending could have been more powerful and original, but whatever. the rest of this poem is amaaaazing
I can't believe no one commented it yet.
great job, and goodluck♥
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it's for x factor and i'm trying to make it good so i'll try to fix up the ending a bit. thanks!
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