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Lost

With the breeze that carries dreams
across a field of growing clover.
In that breeze, it too oft seems
that quick, the dream is over.


Across a field of growing clover,
we ponder then hesitate;
that quick, the dream is over
but once again, we've lost to fate.


We ponder, then hesitate
a glimmer we hope to find.
But  once again, we've lost to fate
and perhaps we've lost our mind.


A glimmer we hope to find
in that breeze, it too oft seems;
and perhaps we've lost our mind
with the breeze that carries dreams.

 

Author notes

Pantoum for class

In a list

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Comments


  • Benji Cook
    September 7

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    Quite Interesting

    I don't quite understand, but it doesn't really matter when somethign is written -this- well.
    Great word choices, and the imagery was fantastic.


  • lianonsidhe silver member
    August 24

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Storm Goddess!
    A lovely wistful write indeed! You are really blossoming at these refrain styles.
    I do like Warrior of the heart's suggestion of 'too oft it seems', as it does make the line read more smoothly. Perfecr form, so kudos to you!
    Lianonsidhe


  • WarrioroftheHeart gold member
    August 19

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    A sugestion only...nothing more.

    "it too oft seems" (third in the first, second in the last)

    "too oft it seems"

    Just a thought, nothing more, can't really give you a reason but it seems to read better that way (at least to me, perhaps to others; I don't know, wish I did, but I don't have that degree of interaction).

    Your pantoum seems to work in its proper manner, I liked reading this; hopeful yet...'whistful' as well (the right word?, knowing me I never will.).

    I know you will do well.