[ I lay here, ]

I lay here,
Night after night,
Bathed in the yellow light
Of the floor lamp,
Never leaving is jandice glow
For fear of what awaits
In the feathery shadow's edge
Of darkness.

When I was a child I was never
Afraid of the boogie man
Or Monsters
Or ghost under the bed...
I wasn't intimidated by the
Bumps, or creaks, or pops
That sounded like foot steps
On the roof.

I was never afraid of bugs
Or creepy crawlies,
Or catching frogs
Or thunderstorms...
And especially never did I fear
My own reflection.

No - these fears came later in life.

I remember my father yelling - he was always yelling...
Until one day, he used his hands.
Six day's before my fourteenth birthday,
And I showed up at the party bruised.
A year later, my parent's divorce,
That one day being an excuse for dismissal of marriage
And me, from that point on,
Being hurled and thrusted and forced
To hear both sides
But never allowed to pick one,
To defend one,
Without betraying the other.

I remember going to Florida, to meet my mother's
Potential lover,
Who ended up loving me.
Not loving like, fatherly love.
Not loving like, humanly love...
Loving like
Forceful, Painful, Raping me love.
Love like, Making me too ashamed
To feel loved.

I remember being hungry.
Hungry for food,
Hungry for air,
Hungry for space,
Hungry for lost time.
I lost forty pounds in 3 months,
Living off of green beans and ice cubes.
There was something theraputic
About seeing the bones,
About the yellow skin,
About the blueish finger nails.
I didn't have a period,
Day's passed in a dizzy blur,
And sleep always felt so good.....

I remember being angry...
Angry at God
Angry at My mother
Angry at myself for allowing myself to be angry.
For allowing myself to care.
It was obvious the world didn't care about me -
Look at me -
Afraid of everything.
Even my own self.

So now, I lay here,
Night after night,
Bathed in the yellow light
Of the floor lamp,
Never leaving is jandice glow
For fear of what awaits
In the feathery shadow's edge
Of darkness.

Now, I'm not a child,
But I fear every man, every face,
For they turn into monster's
And leave their ghost's beneath my bed,
Intimidating me with there
Bumps, and creaks, and pops
That I KNOW are their foot steps
On the roof...

I was never afraid of bugs
Or creepy crawlies,
Or catching frogs
Or thunderstorms...
And especially never did I fear
My own reflection.

But now, these fear's consume me.