It’s as though I’ve been sleeping
and you woke me up
spreading apart the curtains—
the sun’s mighty chest bursting through it.
In this room, this white blur,
a soft gaze of dream—
you speak of how my dirty toenails need clipping,
how sweaty I am.
How sad it must be, alone in the dark.
You say my funeral was lovely; everyone cried.
My children ran and played in the aisles,
my Mother wrapped in black, eyes round
and wet through veil. Her hands busy
on her crossed thigh
tracing my baby picture with her thumb.
The pews were too hard, everyone sat on their coats.
Coats, though I died in summer the air stayed cold.
Elders sat holding hands.
My casket was closed —I hate when people stare.
And someone knew that.
.
Author notes
"I would not fear nor wish my fate, but boldly say each night, tomorrow let my sun his beams display, or in clouds hide them; I have lived today" - Abraham Crowley
In a list
A contest entry
- Pick a quote for me... by kiwigirljacks.
800 points, ended August 25, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Come on be blunt! I'm not sensitive, so if something sucks or needs to be changed, let me know.
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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This is incredible. You chose the most perfect and intricate details to enhance. When I read your work I often wish I could extract your most genuine take on experience and apply it to my dramatic detail. Truly, excruciatingly heart rendering
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you, my friend, are making me blush lol. thank you so much for your kind words, i really need them right now with what im going through. thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! much love blue eyes
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I like your style of writing, great write. I really enjoyed this piece and when I do have some more time wil check out some more, reading other's people's work and feelings are the koolest things..does it sound a little nerdy, who cares poetry is music. to my ears............nice poetry that is, and poetry that is easy to understand, beutifully written
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im so glad you diggin this. thank u so much for leaving a piece of your mind on my poem, means so much. Much love and respect to you.
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sorry about that at 51 your screw up a lot. i love the word diggin, even if its slang
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oved your response to my comment. I
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lol, and I love your comment. Much love
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Brilliantly penned!
Mariana
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thanks for checkin it out. means alot
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I'm okay with the existence of the 4th stanza,
but I don't like how there are 2 gerunds used right next to each other.
"
you speak of my dirty toenails needing clipping,
how sweaty I am."
==>"you speak of how my dirty toenails need clipping,
how sweaty I am."
With the 'how' inserted, you can lose the -ing in 'need' and it sounds less awkward that way.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this; in particular, the last two lines are nothing short of godly. It's eerie.
;
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thamk u very much for the helpful tips. i really need to work on so much when it comes to writing. thank u again for the advice
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Know what? I liked the forth stanza, but thought that the next (5th) could be lost-leaving the reader only hints that you're talking about your own funeral-the rest of the write builds it up quite nicely without it.
I really loved this, its so terribly sad, but part of what makes us human, our demise...excellent, I wish you the best in Jack;s contest.
love,
jin
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yeah i have been going over some ideas after reading this. thanks for your thoughts on how to make this better for the reader...in the long run 70% of writing is for the reader anyway right? lol thanks again
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I found this very moving.. the ending is superb.. someone took the feelings one had when alive into consideration once they were dead. If only that happened more often, I've seen a lot of bickering at funerals.
I am going to say.. I feel you could lose the fourth stanza alltogether. I held a bit of cringe factor for me lol.. in what is otherwise a poignant and softly haunting poem.
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yeah i plan on revising once i find a bit of time. thanks for taking the time to read it. much love
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this is a deeply well versed well written piece. love it. it threw me off at first. but im back now and i get this is a very moving piece sad but beautiful
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thanks for checking it out. much love
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wow...so amply described in exquisite detail.
A few years back I attended a wedding on a Tuesday and a funeral of her dead
on Wednesday, it was a sumbering experience. A true circle of life event.
We never know what day we will be called...only that
it will always be too soon...
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thanx much
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OH Man !
I don't do funerals or weddings
This however, was beautifully laid out
Catching me unawares
Much like that "Thief in the night"
That steals each of us, eventually.
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yeah they suck...both of them. but wut ru gonna do? lol thanks for coming by
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deeply moving...
well done.
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thank u very much
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