Leaves crunch beneath my feet as I dance along the sidewalk
Other leaves swiftly float down from the surrounding trees
Their colors and delicacy make them beautiful
As I take another step, the soft breeze blows them away
In the bright sunlight, the foliage stands out like a full moon in the twilight sky
As I drift to sleep, I can still hear the crackling from the marching wind
Author notes
I wrote this last year, but I revised it. I know it is horrible, but please comment.
Do you like it? Anything I could work on?
Comments
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Nice one, Kat- of course. It's no wonder I'm doing this.
First line- I'd replace "crunch" with "crackle" because that would make the ending lovelier than it is, if possible.
Fourth line- Shouldn't it be "'a' soft breeze" instead of "'the' soft breeze"?
Fifth line- "foliage" not "foilage". (Nice simile in that line!)
Last line- How can the leaves crackle and blow at the same time? How can they crackle if no one is walking in them? But if the wind is walking in them... that would be fabulous.
Another fantastic write that I recognize from last year.
Keep writing lil sis,
Claire
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Great!
Finally I got you to write at least another poem! A suggestion I would like to offer is that it sounds like your talking in sentences. If it is the structure of the poem, I'll understand. When you said: "Their colors and delicacy make them beautiful", there's a minor grammer issue, the make, should be makes. I like how you used synonyms so you wouldn't make the poem sound awkward with all the same words used in a pattern. The last line though, you used the word "leaves" again, but what would be interesting is if you started the poem with the same word as what you ended it with. Nice job! You've made a huge improvement in your writing!!! Now, since your doing so well, how about thinking about starting another poem...? XD
the panini
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She wrote this poem last year, Panini.
Claire
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