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Thought control

            

 

 

 

They say they will help
But we can help ourselves

They say they are on are side
But they don’t know the tears we’ve cried

They say they are our only masters
But we know they rise before disaster
 
They say they will bring change
As they hold are fate in there hands

They say there the new world order
And that are worlds got smaller

They say this is there world
But we know are cries will go unheard

They say they control time
But they are the destroyers of minds

They say we don’t need god
As his words are old

They say we should accept what we get
That we should learn to live and forget

They say we are without hope
They must know we are alone

They say is we don’t believe they will leave us behind
As every war was thought in ones mind

They say they hold the truth
As they can not keep from me my belief

They say it is are time to learn
As I say it is there turn

They say we trapped by are own sins
I suppose that’s why only true evil wins

They say be careful what you wish for
As you can not get back once you’ve open that door

They say in life there’s only pain, no easy gain
Apparently they say were not so different but we are all the same?
 
 

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  • Deaths Prayer
    August 16
    Edit | Reply
    Thankyou for your inciteful comment

    I agree and see what you said was true..it's hard sometines we always reach for the big things that dont exist..when simplicity is the ebst thing we have.

    This poem i wrote 6 or 7 years ago..i've got a big box full of stuff that i'm just going threw now that i haven't looked at since i wrote all those years ago..so i was just putting this up to see what people thought

    i think that writing now and where i am is not that different i dont think are wiritng styles changed that much from the sirt time we start

    but thankyou we learn more from other people..that's the meaning of life


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    I see... You WERE talking about the Feature-box.

    I'm not a fan of rhyming-poems, since most people do it badly. Your rhythm was pretty good, and that is such a refuge, as is your vocabulary. This write has some pretty spectacular moments, but there are a few things I'd like to point out:

    1. "They say they are our friend/but we know there is no end." The rhyme-scheme here is a tad elementary and forced. One thing I always advise rhymers to do is to be careful of forgoing meaning for the sake of rhyme. If something is too difficult to think of a similar-sounding word for, then use an easier one or don't rhyme.

    2. Don't switch between rhyme and freeverse; pick one form or the other, and stick with it.

    Well done, and keep writing.

    • Deaths Prayer
      August 16
      Edit | Reply

      hi

      i took in your advice and chnaged my old poerty into the new me...6 years ago and now wow what a journey to behold lol

      i changed the line to " They say they are our only masters
      But we know they rise before disaster"

      much better!!

      thankyou immortal obscurity