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Sedated, for you.

Going Under
Essence of the tunnel you drag me down
romance with the monster
Holding back all success
keep me insomniac
neurotic
Tossing the night
Shock of nothing by dawn
Now lose my step
just for sweet kisses in my bed

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • alexsauer
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the shortness of each line...it allowed me to pause and think. I really loved it! I think the end just ties it together


  • The Observer
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    Great, would only change the first line to "Going Under" to avoid the unnatural sounding repetition on the second line, I don't know it sounds strange to me, but otherwise really good...


  • Oh.My.Juliet
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    i agree, you should add to this! its a great start, but keep going and it could really turn into something!

    x


  • My Chronos gold member
    August 15
    Edit | Reply
    Nicely worded but I wanted to read more. Thanks for sharing.