The state of love fluctuates
as a compliment to action
brought about through intent,
and a vision yet to come
What I've hated has changed
into that which I nurture,
and often what I have loved
has been no love at all
Yet, there have been times that
I get it right, and
it does not reverse, so much
as become me
Children, nature in its prime
all can kill, all can grow
The amount of filaments that
must intersect to understand
are one from a trillion
The more you look at it
The more ordinary it is
Starved of it and its return
is all that matters
Search for it, it will elude you
Ignore it and it will chase you
It is the force behind both
intelligent being and cosmic blunder,
as air fuels both fire and meditation
It is neither sex(y) nor faithful
but wet clay sliding over mountain village
and through a master's hands alike
A way to take both forks at once
Noticing that which you had entirely
can choose not to love you at all
Love is a secret symphony
composed by the audience
as well.
A contest entry
- Love by The Phoenix Returns.
900 points, ended September 6, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Honestly, this doesn't work for me at all. Because there's too much telling and very little visual imagery. It feels preachy and unnecessarily complex at times. Of course I won't ask you to change it because it's your own work. But personally, it fails to excite me in any fashion.
Thank you.
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"but wet clay sliding over mountain village
and through a master's hands alike"
This is alone is visually more inviting, and authentically complex than anything you've ever written. -
"unnecessarily complex at times" The last and only poem of yours that I've read had more unnecessarily complex words and metaphorically indiscernable 'personal' crap in it -- that makes no sense to a reader other than yourself, then anything I've read in months. It's like you sat there with a thesaurus and tried to confuse and impress yourself while totally losing the reader in a cloud off miasma and pseudo intellectual fodder. The reason why my poem made no sense to you is because:
A. You're not married to someone you've loved for longer than a decade, and wouldn't know the complete circle of love from a donut.
B. You don't have kids that you've had to love and support for a decade, and no, pets don't count.
C. It's more prose than poetry, and since you can't even write poetry (although you'll name drop Neruda), prose is still so far ahead of you it might as well be in Chinese.
D. You say I do more telling than showing when ironically your username is the Phoenix returns, which is a perfect example of way too much telling other than showing because every idiot on the planet knows a phoenix is a spiritual firebird that is reborn from its ashes, and represents as a whole merely with its name "a returning", or resurrection. So why say it's returning, why give a description that's unnecessary when the symbology of the bird alone is indeed just that. That's like calling yourself The Messiah that returns... Well no shit, what else was the Messiah supposed to do, genius? So lets not project your weaknesses onto others, okay.
I can go on and on, but I'll stop here because it would be ridiculous for me, a highly recognized, respected, and established teacher, writer, poet, lyricist, and musician to go any further discussing writing in any medium with a kid that has barely begun to pay their dues. Thanks for amusing me though, I love a good chuckle and grin session. -
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And all you get back from me is a good chuckle as well!
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Great write. Weak ending. You were stating something transcendental...and ended it with something that should have been a culmination of the ideas you'd put forth written as beautifully...but I think you sort of petered out at the end.
Fix it...it's just like a few words and seeing all that you wrote preceding it...you can certainly do it with little effort.... -
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No.
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Completely appropriate answer to some pretentious ass telling you what to do with your own work. Thanks for the reality check.
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Well, even though I did change the ending a tweak or two let's be honest here dude, I'm not trying to win the Pulitzer, so put away your machede and drink a beer or something Nightrider, Jesus.
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*Drinks beer contemplatively...considering the awesomeness of the man known only as Nightrider Jesus.*
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I think you may have overlooked the comma between the Hoff and Hayzeus.
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yes, Intentionally. It amused me to do so.
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nice.
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Forgot the applause
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wow loved it.
Especially stanza 4 and 5, really struck a chord. -
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You wanna get naked and discuss meter? Cuz I'm a dandee.
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falling in love for the first time....
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