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smokes

You smoked my company to the filter
and afterwards
choked tar from your lungs-

gagging on clots

more like cancer than me.

Diminished in paper skin,

I was no less bitter-

I left your chest coagulating;

reminding me of embolisms

I pictured your heart stopping.

perhaps because ganglia
were thrown into my shape,
or perhaps in spite;
you refused cravings,
each neuroceptor evicting
for less poisonous tenants-

I drove you to the ashtray.

 

I found menthol embers in your garden,

wondered if you'd always preferred the taste




Author notes

God knows what's wrong with me but words aren't working at the moment, I'll fix this when I can.

I want comments verging on the cruel side, this needs an edit, I change a couple of words everytime I read it and its still...messy.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • amaranthine lover gold member
    September 26
    Edit | Reply

    21.6 / 25

    I quite like the messiness of it, that's how smoking can be.


  • Best-to-the-Fall
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    it is messy... but it kind of makes sense to be messy. many of the words you use are throaty, gargle style words which really are great for this poem (i believe). and i absolutely love the last two lines.
    then again, i love writings about cigarettes. there's something about them that's just so smoothly painful.
    writers ourselves are our own worst critics. change what you will, but i like this as is.


    • Fairies on Fire
      September 3
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the honesty! If you've got any edit ideas please share, my brain is mush lately. x

  • Honey Bunches
    September 1

    Edit | Reply
    No worries! it has a great base line and you seem to have your facts in order. You are experiencing a type of writer's block. But that comes naturally with every writer. It happens to me at least twice a week. Sooooo, I suggest you take a few days off of this site and just try to focus your time on something else, like family. but if you're anything like me and you can't think of anything else but writing, try writing something out of your comfort level. try writing criticism for someone else's poetry. or try Writing a short story.


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    August 30

    Edit | Reply
    Unfortunately you've broken the first rule of my contest:

    Do NOT enter your poem in another contest! I have always found it rude. If you wish to use this as a prewrite WAIT until this is OVER & JUDGED before doing so.

    I am going to DQ this

    "Diminished in paper skin,
    I was no less bitter-
    I left your chest coagulating;" --> I love those lines; very original and unexpected, your take on the prompt was well penned - creative and intriguing

    ♥
    Stay safe
    ~Manda

    • Fairies on Fire
      August 30
      Edit | Reply
      Ooops, so sorry, totally forgot and entered it as a prewrite in one later. How embarassing.

      Thanks for the comment anyway!
      x

1 - 6 of 6