i.
I've never suffered from motion sickness, but I've witnessed the ill effects of what rough seas can do to a first-time sailor; and the traumatic response that haunts their decisions from then on. The others around him just pat him on the shoulder; tell him he'll be fine, to get a life and get over it.
They never realised it's never that easy to grip onto the rails and pull yourself through when peer pressure is hot on your tail.
ii.
I stand in cluttered and enclosed spaces, because that way everyone else's problems seem highlighted, uncontrollable. They seem to be so much more frightened and worried than me with my own, and it gives me such a feeble excuse to not drown everyone with my own misconceptions.
I tell myself that I am not important compared to them -
but anxiously I claw onto the hope that someone will ignore the barrier of my invisible self-harm that I purposefully ignore.
I end up screaming with excruciating pain into a sea of the same duplicate stock face, crying for them to answer me. For them to show a yellow-brick path that will lead me back to a place I call home, so I can finally feel safe within myself.
But they never do.
iii.
Exhaling desperately, I try to block out the toxic fumes that were your helpless words. They were always told in cryptic so that I never quite understood, even though I tried. I want to support mending your parallel habits, but how can we solve that when I'm lost in the abyss myself?
Author notes
Prompt 1: congestion
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Prompt 9: inferno
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1. You cannot use your selected prompt(s) in your entry.
2. You will be writing either free verse, rhyme (or form), or prose.
3. If you choose to write a form poem, you must obey all rules of the form.
4. You must include you selected prompt(s) in your NOTES.
5. Use at least one prompt, but no more than three.
In a list
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Top 24 Final Audition (Group C) by sideways hourglass.
625 points, ended August 24, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
^^ Didn't like it? The back button is up there ^^
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Breathing in poisonous substances
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 13/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
Cohesion/focus: 13/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics: 13/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 19/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 8/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 175 -
Originality: 12/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 13/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 12/15
impact/reaction: 12/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 12/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 19/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 8/10
Title: 10/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 174
Laura.
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Breathing in Poisonous Substances (I had to add your title because AP is being fussy about using a rubric more than once.)
Liz's Rubric
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 12/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 8/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 8/10
Title: 10/10
Total: 182 -
I am not really sure how to critique this piece. I have nothing to critique. It was beautiful in its simplicity. The fact it did not have to rely on too many metaphors/similes or adjectives to get the point across. I did not feel overwhelmed by your words, but rather rocked on their shapes. The prompts were very well chosen.
Best of luck, Claire. -
I enjoyed the different perspectives here.
" and it gives me such a feeble excuse to not drown everyone with my own misconceptions." Great line!!
Best wishes,
K
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Thank you :]
And good luck with yours ^^
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181
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 13/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 9/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 7/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 181
I like that you took the prompts and related to them with a feeling rather than literally - kudos for that. I thought you had this under control fairly well. There are some spots that I hoped you had a bit more showing rather than telling, but for the most part this is balanced and works as it is. However, I thought more metaphorical imagery would have fueled the fire of emotions and made this have a much more stronger impact. However, having talked to you, I know your capable of original ideas. That rubix cube metaphor you told me about? Yeah, I want to see more of those creative ideas into your writing. What you have here is great though...no matter what happens.
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I liked this one, very deep and the inwardly confronting perspective was captured nicely.
You did ask for a critique, the only thing that I found a bit off was this part:
'a sea of the same duplicate stock face' - not sure what it is about that.
duplicated stock face perhaps? Am not sure, it may just be in my head.
anyways, awesome write.
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Yus, its about that.
It's just the same face being repeated; so just a stock face :]
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I thought that this was absolutely beautifully written, in a devastating kind of way.
Lovelovelove the last couple of stanzas.
rollercoaster
- I might be wrong, but I think that should be two words?
inclosed
- Do you mean enclosed, or in closed?
everyone-elses
- else's
un-controlable
- uncontrollable
Best of luck to you in the contest.
♥
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Was just fixing those ones up now actually
But thank you :]
It still needs a lot of work, but its getting there.
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In the middle stanza, I think that the sentences are a little blurred together. If you were able to give it a little more clarity, perhaps sharpen your lines and change the sentences a little it might make the words more potent.
Otherwise you've done an incredible job on the prompts.
Very very good content.
--Katie.
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thank you :]
Its fixed now
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this is a sad but beautiful poem.. good write mum! i don't think u need any help here
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It just seems to need something
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really? i think it's perfect
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I might leave it then. I'll see what Ty says first then mm ^^
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this is so very sad
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