Remembering fragrant hills that belonged to another state
a foothold found as my confident stride had reign
A most innocent young lady I thought that I may charm
She taught me quickly that the task was hard to swallow
and founded me irreverent so I turned myself at once
It was love’s beginning and the warmest day of summer
The trophy of our courtship was displayed by mid summer
as she told me I had placed her in an unfamiliar state
Perplexed in her beauty that she had never done this once
On satin, gentle thunder while outside the pouring rain
Words the beauty offered almost more than I could swallow
Days and nights that followed I was captured in her charm
An angel white by twist of fate made mortal by a charm
allowed me to follow closely like a bee to smells of summer
drinking from her nectar til my throat had failed to swallow
I am the one human witness to her vulnerable state
For she hardened by the kitchen glass standing in the rain
Taking witness to a drunken romp which only happened once
I cried like a fallen mortal with a hopeful head at once
My excuses heard the pin drop being vacant of all charm
I writhed in my dishonor, her cheeks outperformed the rain
I decided for eternity that was the coldest day of summer
light quickly dimmed inside her and she continually state
forgiving such an evil was too much for her to swallow
Sensing only fear thereafter, taking flight as a swallow
For mere seconds in the after I had only held her once
A folded note beheld intention to reside a distant state
She walked a damaged step so below her former charm
Roadways then embraced her at the closing of the summer
and I ran a hundred miles to beseech her in the rain
Twilight found the kingdom which flooded in the rain
I feel I am a better man having known the fleeing swallow
Change became a constant as the comet crashed in summer
I remain her loyal student to the lessons she gave once
As she turned away, all the more I loved her charm
Mastering her silence, I lived in a vast humble state
I never knew a summer to endure such torrid rain
A most deplorable state, having no choice but to swallow
A quiet I felt only once was the product of her charm
Author notes
This form is a Sestina. I chose this form because the contest calls for my very best and this form is a hair puller. You can learn about the form here. http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/sestina.htm There are two end words in each of the lines of the concluding tercet.
Pic. Credit: http://files.myopera.com/satthukhongvotam/albums/610232/thumbs/booto%252C-sad-rain-thanhhuy_pk.jpg_thumb.jpg
What did you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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fabluous form!!! not until the end do you realize the well placed, well sorted well constructed repetition! rain swallow charm once state, etc very well done! i love poems with crushing symbolism and hidden form. when did you pen this?
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steve this is tender
and so well written
i am going to go check this form thanks
your awsome
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Now this is poetic storytelling at its finest! bravo.
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in all the time I've dabbled I have yet to learn forms. But I know when I am drawn in, and your words left me twisting in the wind, wanting to know more of the story.
Wonderful.
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Terrific. What a very nice comment. Thank you. Form poetry is fun to challenge. At times, the guidelines of a form push the write into an area of creativity that is yet untapped. Good luck with that.
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I really like this. I'm especially impressed with how you told your story and used beautiful images without sacrificing either of those to the demands of the form. I'm curious about the decision to go without punctuation in this piece...my mind frequently wanted to fill in periods at the ends of the lines, which may or may not be where you would have put them!
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I don't know much about forms and the techicalities of poetry but I know what I like and in this I am swallowed up.
I can see the image you are portraying so clearly and I can also see how difficult this form must be to undertake but you seem to my amateur eye to have mastered it perfectly.....Lulu
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Poignant and persistent
That one act could ruin such perfection reminded me of the story of the fall from the Garden of Eden. The pain here is deep and weaves its deepest moments around the six words of your sestina. Regret is often a steadfast teacher--- constant, unyielding, and ever-present as a reminder of what might have been. You wrote this message with poignancy and persistence. It is a "torrid rain", and something beautiful from the pain.
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I am always in awe at such beautiful talent in some forms...I would lose my mind before ever completing this, but you did it with such easy and depth in meaning...truly amazing and well worth the time to read again.
Best to you!
mystic
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Oh I love the how within this difficult form you have written story that unfolds so naturally. Very impressive and a very enjoyable read
A~
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mmmm, I do so love Sestinas, but unfortunately the form and I have always disagreed during the process of production.
What an interesting six words to choose. I think you did beautifully with this poem. The form was executed well, and the story was captivating. I can see the delicacy with which you ever chose each word throughout every line. And your imagery was quite striking. It is rare to come across such fine craftsmanship, and I find myself disappointed that I have not encountered your work before this. I look forward to some excellent reads.
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wow this is an amazing example of such a difficult form! three cheers!
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After I read your contest and the link to the form, I thought I'd better check out your own sestina -- and, WOW! First off, right now I can't even imagine how you started this, much less completed it. So tight and compact, telling the story of losing love so lyrically that it doesn't "sound" like a form. Marvelously well-done. I'm gonna havta try it!!! Probably will lose sleep over it...
Lita
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Maybe I got confused like I usually do but you have the word ' Rain ' 6 times yet the word ' Reign ' once
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Did you find it easier to write the concluding tercet first ?
Sorry about the questions but the form looks fascinating especially when written so well.
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Great questions...it has been seen to be acceptable to write a variation of a word at the end like "lien" could be "lean" , "rain" for "reign" , "bread" and "bred"....this type of thing is just fine. I wouldn't do something like "although" and "though" or "return" and "turn". And it is indeed beneficial to conceptualize how you may conclude the poem in the final three lines and toy around with different word groups and see what possible end words may fall together, and at the same time be versatile enough to be used throughout.
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god steve you are soooo darn clever nice write you flippin poet you, move over heaney lol
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Much love to you.
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wow... beautiful... it actually dropped my jaw! Good job!
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steve this i so incredibly beautiful, delicate like layer upon layer of antique lace, it has such a charm about it, this is a masterpiece of tenderness a really elegnt write
thankyou so very much
T
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Wow this is absolutely beautiful.
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oh i like that...the form is really interesting..never read one with that before. i think this tells a reallly neat story and in the begining the mood didnt match the picture so i liked the forshadowing that gave. nicely written. =)
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OMG!
Damn, this is BRILLIANT! I have read several sestinas lately since it's the next form I want to tackle. Truthfully, this sestina tops every one of the dozen sestinas I have read recently, and all of those are published in books. Every line demonstrates an appreciation for form. Your word choices are just fantastic. You're one of the best poets I have had the privilege of reading in the two years I've been writing poetry. I want to highlight this one for the main page, so many more poets will have a shot at reading this fine work, but I forgot how to do that. You wouldn't happen to know the answer to that, would you?
Don
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You really made my day with your comment on this poem. I am indebted to you and also to the beautiful person who had become the inspiration for this true account.
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Deep and intensely satisfying. One can only hope to capture a small measure of the poetry that is conveyed in this poem. The Sestina is an excellent forum for this write, or perhaps it is the write that is excellent for the Sestina. You have delivered up a beautiful poem, full of emotional and intellectual imagery. Great job. Rose.
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Your choice to use this challenging form was not only brave, but brilliant. More importantly, you are able to pour forth tremendous heart and sensitivity in spite of the rigid structure of the sestina. Even the sadness in the work is made to sparkle. My heart broke as I read it. I believe this is one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read.
Love,
Camille
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steve, i had to take this in stages. i honestly can't even put into words how this gripped my heart, rotated it, then flipped it over before dropping it into the pit of my stomach. that is the closest i can get to explaining the impact this had on me. the best i have read by you. i hate to use wow with this because it is beyond wow.
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Excellent write and form, Steve. This is definitely one of your most outstanding pieces, with how softly it reads and the imagery I would think you have written in this form often and with great ease. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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You really pulled out all stops for this contest didn't you dear... whew... what a pleasure to read this one was! How does the reader even begin to review this?
they should have video cams along side the clappy guys so we could just snap shot ourselves standing and clapping for standing ovations in leu of the three clappy guys ( and of course that would give you much more points as well... lol).
I'm speechless dear, anything I say here would not do this justice... just know these little fellows are all three standing!
Hugs,
Suzi
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I love it! You have mastered lexical repetition and the style of the French troubadours. Very few poets have composed a Sestina and fewer still a good one. In your notes you mention the concluding tercet which is also called the envoi. I love your story line and the Sestine is the perfect form for telling a story. Standing ovations! You should be proud of this poem.
Love,
Amera♥
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Wonderfully penned.
Impressive actually, You have outdone yourself here Steve,
Thank you for a lovely read
good luck to you
Passions
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