I Can't Sleep When I Panic

Pain, sharp and vital explodes in my body
The incisions from your needles beneath my skin
Like an IV but with the fluid of mud-thick poison
Slowly, hesitantly my bruised eyes flutter
To pear into a glimpse of the world that invades me
And at the sight of what tortures lay before my eyes
They flutter close again with deepened creases
Tenseness pulls at the connections of my body
Causing not only a brief moment of pain, but a lasting ache
And at my blood crusted wrists lay blackened leather cuffs
With little metal points digging beneath my skin to shock me awake
I fight listlessly against those moments of electric pain
Unconscious determination wanting me to stay within my dreams
Where you can’t find me no matter where you search
And in this place inside of me you can’t hurt me anymore
But you know how to awake me with your little games
And no matter how hard I try to run away, I always stray back to you
Your refined fingers reach out to me, manicured nails like tiger claws
The cruel brushing of the tips against my revealed face
Broken dignity, broken pride has long since been remembered and forgotten
All that is left inside of me raw reaction, the instinct to survive this
And the sweetest of my dreams where you finally no longer exist
But that is then and this is now, where you have finally forced me awake
My sunken eyes no long have the choice but to stand wide open
Drinking in the sight of you and all around you standing too close
Quickly your affect take place, just as you desire them too
You never want me to get use to you, never want me to be able to listen
Telling me to relax and to obey your command but you won’t let it
‘I just want to sleep,’ it’s what I beg for as soon as you awaken me
Pleading, begging, crying, shaking, the hysterics set in again
Red lines down my body from your claws as you begin your lesson
Today we work on obedience as we always have
Today we work on being calm in your presence as we always have
I can’t fall asleep when I panic