Ever had a broken nose:
Taste the saltiness that fills the air while walking along the shore
~after midnight
See the ripples of the ocean catch a moonbeam and toss it in the air
~gently spraying showers of light
Hear the giggles from lovers crouched behind an open fence
~grass swaying with the breeze
Feel the soft, gentle touch of the sand
~beneath your feet
Smell the fresh catch from a shrimp boat
~docked under the stars
God's gift to us ~our senses~ may I never have one broken
Believe in love at first sight:
standing along on the corner of Elmwood and Vine,
foot propped against the building as if
you were the only one to hold it's brick and mortar
-together
I saw the way your eyes followed the flick
of my slinky red skirt, leaving you
-wanting more
could this be the love I have waited for,
or just a moment in time
-lost forever between two glances and longing
lustful minds
Do you like to travel by plane:
I can see forever; how the blue fades to clouds of nothingness
there are no wings upon my back to soar through the heavens
dreams overwhelm my senses, taking me back to a time
when all my thoughts were of gliding among the tree tops
and falling without care to land gently upon the earth's
mossy plains; but for now, I will use the assistance of
-man's wings
Are you double jointed:
Sitting in a bar I hear familiar voices. "Have I
seen you here before?" they ask
Come, join us for life's pleasures; I am sure I will
remember once you come
I follow them to a dark, remote room at the end of the corridor.
Here, have another joint; but I already have one,
wondering if I accepted it, would I be double jointed?
As I pull the smoke deeply into my lungs I remember;
a trick I do with my fingers, pulling them back to rest
on top my hands ~oh the irony
Author notes
A l l e x i s R e e d
A contest entry
- Round two of the Freedom Writes- Invite only by Writing0Freedom.
400 points, ended September 5, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Your Thoughts?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Well, I am....
....double-jointed, though only in one thumb. For the first time in a while, I sense that I have found someone (you), who is a closet rhyme and metre person. I do not mean like a metronome; I just think that long lines, interspersed by a short line -snap- would give you greater options.
Intriguingly written
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Thanks! This is not one of my favs. I just did it for a contest, but if you want to see how I really write, visit some of my poems that are not in contests.
Thanks for the critique!
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interesting piece....jagged thoughts interwoven into a beautiful mosaic. A wonderful read. Well done.
Rory
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I love this
I agree that it reads as disjointed, You could fix that simply by removing the breaks and adding question marks after completing the sentences:
Have you ever had a broken nose?
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Do you like to travel by plane?
Are you double jointed?
Then add punctuation to each sentence, remove the breaks and viola....
But you know what I like the disjointed effect too, it allows you to absorb what you just read as you take in the next part all at once. So my advice is: never take my advice...-Keith
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I love the name "Broken Noses and Double Jointed Flyers" and how it goes with almost every "chapter". Also the beginning was the most intricate and poetic "See the ripples of the ocean catch a moonbeam and toss it in the air
~gently spraying showers of light" it was a reputable story -
This is has potential but it reads as disjointed, (no pun intended) and it has a lack of emotion. I like the title but think it needs more imagery and emotion in it , to make it stronger. But I know you also didn't have a lot of time, so sorry about that.
WritingFree -
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Yea, sorry about that. If I had more time it could have been good. I would have had the time if I had looked at the past contests, but I've been really busy at work lately.
I appreciate the honesty and I promise next contest I enter, I will take the time to produce what they are looking for (or at least try to)
So, tell me, did you get the last few lines about the double joints? Just wanted to throw that in for a bit of humor.
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