You cry once again help me help me I'm so alone.
It's gotten old,
you've worn me out.
I think i'll try and end your pout.
So whining child, my prescription for you is puppet strings.
beware,
they are an unyeilding guide,
but you wont see them,
for from you they'll hide.
I'll take hold and lead you on,
you'll feel loved.. I'll have done nothing wrong.
You'll gain your confidence and my ears will rest.
But soon you'll be put to the test.
I'll leave my puppet, strings alike.
You'll have to relearn to ride that bike.
This is pretty much my first poem that has any meaning behind it.. tell me what you think and how you think I could improve. :)
Comments
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Let me start off by saying: congrats on the first poem.
~Much rejoicing.~ Yay!
Then let me start off by saying that I can tell it is just a rough draft. For a starter though, it's not bad, especially considering you've taken no classes in Creative Writing, and especially since you wrote about a subject that is not common.
But just reading it from an outside perspective, the subject itself is unclear and a bit confusing. It appears to be a mix between a literal child and a lover of sorts.
I think a good deal of this confusion stems from another problem that you are trying to force this piece to rhyme multiple times. Especially when you are trying to create a simple couplet, something that is exceedingly difficult to do repeatedly while retaining the quality of the poem AND the meaning, even for experienced poets. I recommend that you try just dropping the rhyme scheme and go for a pure free-verse. BUT, if you are determined to incorporate rhymes and other colorful devices, then there are several I could recommend over couplets, triplets, and so on.
The favorite of these devices I recommend is alliteration, or the "first letter rhymes" as some would say. "Of brass, bronze and blood" is an example of this. Alliteration is favorable because it sounds good and can be incorporated with rhymes at the end of each verse for a double-effect, and also, alliteration is something that comes far easier than a rhyme scheme, mainly because it occur on accident. (And you can also get away with using alliteration on free-verse contests, but that is another matter.) Alliteration also doesn't look awkward if it suddenly stops during a poem. It's something you see and a read and go, usually looking over it the second time - "Oh, would you look at that!"
Another device is something I like to call Tolkien Rhyming - though this is not the technical term - and it is a rhyming pattern similar to that which Tolkien used in his famous poem on the cover of Lord of the Rings. While I no longer can remember it word-for-word, my poem "Song of the Weed" follows this poem EXACTLY, as it was a direct parody of it. While it is not the greatest poem in the world, its rhyming scheme is impressive in-of-itself. There are two parts to this rhyming pattern. The first is the primary pattern of a "skipping" couplet, if you will.
This follows the rhyming pattern of:
A
B
A
B
So, in the primary part of the song Tolkien wrote was:
"One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all,
And in the darkness - bind them!"
The rhyming of two words when they are the exact same word is also perfectly fine, by the way - but few examples sound as poetic and powerful as this. Still, creating and keeping the meaning of a poem is much easier using this style than simple couplets. Perhaps this will help you.
Other than this, an important thing for poets is the proper use of punctuation to insure that their work is read properly. This is actually an enormous issue, and it is one that that is quite simple once you have decided how best to display what it is that you want to say. For another thing, however, this punctuation also allows you to avoid confusion with your readers, which is an even bigger issue.
For instance, in the first verse the poem reads:
"You cry once again help me help me I'm so alone."
This is incorrectly written for the reason that it sounds like you are saying the person you are talking to is crying and that you are then telling that person to help you; instead of the saying that the person you are talking to is crying help. (And remember to use commas or colons or hyphens before qoutes and to capitilize the first letter in a qoute.)
So, the correction from my standpoint is:
[You cry once again, "Help me, help me, I'm so alone."]
This verse could be written without the use of qoutations, but, as is, this would make it more correct.
Another thing I would recommend, another simple technique, is just to split up long verses, such as the first one, and such as the verse "So whining child, my prescription for you is puppet strings."
The way to do this is, once again, up to you. I tend to break things off by punctuation, some people break subject and verb apart, some people break each line apart by length. All of these are correct and none are best all the time. But, using any of these techniques makes your poems physically more attractive to look at; and these techniques can also enhance, not only the understanding of your poetry, but the power of it.
Now, taking a step back, I offer all of this advice WITHOUT being a very accomplished poet myself. I simply have read some of the greats and admire poetry, more than really being able to write truly powerful poems - at least in my opinion. However, I hope my advice and critiques will be helpful.
I am going to withhold my applause until you edit it, that way I can come back and give you my opinion on the finish product and then, instead, tell you how I liked it, instead of mostly just telling you how you can approve.
But, truly, a good job for the first poem you've written.
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Thank you!
Thanks for the really long comment. I'm gonna use what you said and work on it. You gave me A LOT of great advice, yay!!!
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