Diary entry no. 7

Dear Diary

How odd of me to need a diary. I hardly ever write, yet, when I do I need to. I never kept a diary, never felt the need to write things down, when they were simple in this way.
I always preferred to write, if I could make it a song.

I can't make this a song.
Hurt is a song, sadness is a song, sorrow and pain, and heartbreak and love.
Jealousy is not a song. I can't write jealousy. I can't explain it right.

Most people describe jealousy as a furious beast, but that I can't recognize. There is no fury here. It feels like.. loosing.
Loosing him to a world that isn't even real.
Because it's not a woman I'm jealous of. It's her avatar. Her toon.
What I'm jealous of, is those who don't feel abandoned, when he's not around.

I sound obsessive, and I'm aware of it. It shouldn't make sense, but it does.
I sound obsessive, but really, I'm not.
I feel forgotten by someone I love.

There are days when everything seems fine. There are days when everything is, too.
But the days that hurt, really hurt, are the ones where I hear nothing. No "good morning" or "good night". No greeting or farewells. Nothing. As if I don't exist.

That's what makes me jealous.
I think, perhaps, the problem is that I feel underappreciated.
Taken for granted.

He knows I'll never leave, and he's probably right.
But I think he's forgotten how good it can be to have me around, when I'm happy. And has begun to settle for having me pretend.
But there's no way that I'm such a good actress that he doesn't know the difference. Because I know that I slip up. I know that I let it through, that I need his attention, more than I get it.

Trouble is that, I don't actually need that much. A simple text, "morning" "night" "how's you?", that's all I really need.
I don't ask him to fuss over me, or even say "I love you". All I want, all I need, is a little notice, that I'm still in his thoughts.

I don't know if he reads this, or if he doesn't. Each part of me hopes for both.

I guess I'll just have to carry on, and try my best to keep him entertained. Or let other people do it for me, if that's what he wants. I can't make him happy if he doesn't want me to.

I'm lost, stuck in a wish without defense.

Mj