Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

what happens when..

what happens when you realize that
this game is like a broken umbrella
that you keep forgetting about.
sitting in your porch
by the door.
red.

could it ever
shield you again?
would breaking out
the tools be worth it?

or is there a shop that fixes
our broken umbrellas and broken
games?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Justin Stone
    August 12

    Edit | Reply
    Nice metaphor, very intelligent but hardly euphonious. It needs both a RYME and a reason to be an amazing piece. The words are great and you should definately not change them. However, a reordering of words would be both beneficial to the ear and to the overall delivery of the piece.


    • JaycobKay
      August 22
      Edit | Reply
      yeah, I agree... this certainly isn't one of my favourites.

      Also, Rhyme has an H in it. I don't know if you just mistyped, but I see so many people who don't know how to spell it, that I can't help but to correct.