Encircling flesh-- rapt in her gaze:
growls from her throat caught sublime;
a languorous glance left me terrified.
Devout, crude acolyte, to her feminine altar
where worship commenced at eventide:
I whirled, naked, in the eclipse of her eyes.
And she, bemused, writhed and grinned
at the absurdity in which I harbored
trinkets of past lives to offer her.
Each strand that flamed from her mind
coiled into a noose; I strode unsteadily,
ready to die again, and exalt as her tribute.
Tightening-- the lock of aria seemed too vast--
she whispered, "Transcend," flashing dark curves
awaiting my emergence from slanted breath.
CRITICAL CRITIQUE PLEASE! BE RUTHLESS! I LIKE IT ROUGH!
Comments
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It didn't make any sence. There's a lot of hard words in it. What does "aria" mean? Explaining things with not-so-hard words is a good way to write a poem.
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Um...
please look in a dictionary to define those words you're having trouble with. If a word or phrase in another poem is in a foreign language, it is up to the reader to decide if it is worth translating those words back into their mother tongue. The words I use in this poem, as in many of my poems, use good language. I love words, I don't think "not-so-hard" words make a good poem as much as arrangement of those words. A poem is supposed to rely on the challenge of brevity (shortness) and wit. Thanks for the comment, anyway.
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Hmmmmmmm
I like this a lot. I pictured it all taking place in an underground cavern, with flames licking up through crevices. I didn't quite get what the emergence from slanted breath means, but... I'm still a novice at this. keep up the good work.
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A succubus drawing you into her feeding on your very soul
devouring more then just your lust, a perilous moment for many...Artis
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